Rambling notes on not feeling good enough

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

— Theodore Roosevelt

Lately I've been working myself to a strict set of to-do lists to try and fit in all the work I want to accomplish before starting my maternity leave.

I've been pretty chuffed with how well I've been hitting those targets; completing photoshoots, listing new products, re-working my wholesale catalogue, building a brand new e-commerce site and sorting out lots of niggly little behind the scenes things that essentially I want fixed and sorted before my leave. 

Nothing gives me more satisfaction than marking a little 'x' next to those completed tasks. I feel like a total champion of the to-do list world.  

But there's been a problem. 

It just doesn't feel like I've done them good enough, or even that anybody particularly cares about them. Launching my brand new shop didn't get the excited response I was hoping for; Re-photographing my entire product range hasn't had any effect on my sales or customer engagement; releasing new products hasn't yielded any sales or interest. 

The past week, as I finish my work and switch off my mac at the end of the day, I sit back, and wonder, 'what am I missing?'. I get this exasperated, defeatist sensation roll over me where I just want the universe to tell me why I'm not good enough.

I beg to someone, somewhere, to just give me the answer so I can stop living in this purgatory where I'm running on this treadmill of work ethic to try and get something back, something tangible, other than the occasional double tap or spammy account telling me how to get more followers.  

It sounds so whingey to sit here typing this. Trust me when I tell you that I'm trying really hard not to delete this whole section. But, honestly, there are times in self-employment when you're surrounded by the constant drip feed of others accolades, that you wonder why you just didn't go and find any old job.

Why put yourself through this constant misery of self-loathing and heartache, with no financial gain, or financial security?  

I poured my heart, soul and energy into all of these projects. I researched design trends, popular products and raked through surveys that I've had my own customers complete. I'm doing everything all the freelance blogs tell you to do; I've read all the books on marketing; I've even started to target my posts to be shared at times of the day when people are actually online. Which is more boring than admirable I'm sure. 

But there seems to me to be no bite. 

Maybe my work just isn't engaging anymore.

Maybe I'm just not good enough to do this anymore. 

Maybe I'm mining for my gold in all the wrong places.

Maybe I'm being a whiny little grunt about the whole thing. 

And maybe these are things that will take a bit more time to gain traction in the online sales world, and that I need to put my patient hat on and accept the lot I am given. 

I know how many sparkly emoji's I put out there on my social media, promoting positivity and upbeat posts about my work. But I'm writing this today to show you that I'm working hard on the facade I've created because I don't want any of you to know that I'm a fraud - it's not all sparkly emoji's behind the scenes. There's actually a lot of self-doubt, rumination, worry, panic and fear.

I'm struggling to make ends meet.

I'm battling feelings of being a failure and a let down because the clock is almost at 0 and what I had hoped to achieve, I haven't, and I feel like that's letting my daughter down. 

And there really isn't a good enough emoji to express all these feelings. 

Except maybe crying tear emoji, but that just feels too banal. 

If this is just TMI for you and you're wondering why this mad woman is baring her soul, and financial status, for the world to read, then I'm sorry you've had to sit and read through this. There is no follow up post (currently planned) to share my Rocky-esque rise to glory, against the odds. The odds are currently here, and I don't have a crystal ball to know when or how it will all get better.

But I've read enough Rocky-esque rise-to-glory styled books to know that this is all just my journey. I'm hoping that the winds of change will soon blow in my direction, that my scepticism will be proven wrong and that there may be a few days when the feeling of not being good enough will fade enough to give me the courage to keep on the journey I've chosen. 

And if you're still hanging around after this post, to join me on it too and feel the courage to share your truth as well. 

Let's keep going guys xo

Practising Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving to all my wonderful US clients / readers / customers!

It may not be a holiday that we celebrate here in the UK, but from my years of watching US sitcoms and shows I've always loved the tradition (and forgive me if this is not a tradition!) of sitting around the table and stating what you're thankful for.

It's so important to take a moment, even if it is just once a year, to show gratitude for what you have rather than constantly thinking of what you don't have. 

It's quite easy to forget all those wonderful little things that make up the the small joys in our day to day lives, especially when the world around us can be chaotic, un-predictable and (especially this year) disappointing. Whether it's personal life or work life, your laser beam focus on what you haven't done, or what you haven't achieved or are lacking can easily over look the other great things that are clearly around you and which, to others, may be what they feel are lacking. 

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

— Charles Dickens

So here is my compact (but not complete) list of things I'm really grateful for - the small and the big stuff...

• My home studio - you are warm, you are cosy, and I don't have to pay separate rent for you 

• The Nottingham creative community - in particular the wonderful Nottingham Etsy Team where I feel like I've met my tribe and have a reason to leave the house.
• Spotify ... you have enabled my golden oldie and tacky music habit which has got me through many a deadline. 
• My husband - Truly, no other human I'd want to spend this short time on earth with. We created a lovely little phenomena who I can't wait to meet in March - I hope she has your dark hair and un-fazed personality, but not your beard. 
• Our daughter - you kicking me in the bladder right now tells me that you're alive and nothing makes me happier. Keep kicking little one. 
• My family - extended and blood - who have been my cheerleader and my shoulder to cry on in what's been a year of lows and highs.
• Chocolate malted milks. Whoever thought to whack chocolate on malted milks needs a statue, or a national day. Or both. 
• The bin man who actually puts my bins back for me - you don't have to do this, you are a lovely human. 
• My neighbour who is always signing for my parcels - you saved me so much time trying to find a car park space at the depot. 
• CBT - Thank you for helping me to get my life back. I owe you, and the NHS, so much. 
• Yes, the NHS. Always the NHS. 

So what are you grateful for today? Feel free to share with me in the comments below, or write it down and keep it safe for a day when things feel like they're really not going your way. 

P.S I'm really enjoying this roll I seem to be on with writing posts! Do you want to read more or less? Drop me a line, or tweet @deborahpanesar to me know.

Let's keep making mistakes!

It's been one year since I proclaimed from the rooftops (well, my Tumblr page) that I was going to stop working on my business and to instead pursue designing and illustrating full time.

Reading through this post (which for some reason makes me cringe and want to delete it forever from the eyes of the internet) I can recall so vividly how burnt out, tired and quite dejected I was feeling about the whole thing. The 'tipping point' part of that whole post was true - something needed to change in order to for me to change how I felt.  

12 months on, what can I tell you?

Well, I did not succeed in making this dream a total reality. I'm here to tell you today that I did not end up making not a particularly smart business / life / wellbeing decision that I only realised the other day.

And I feel so damn positive about the whole thing.

Genuinely, I have never been more ecstatic than realising I had made this mistake. I felt it in my entire body, this happy revelation, that I gave it a damn hard try, and no one can take that away from me. I slogged the year, I trialled and boy did I error. I made some monumental fuck ups, some of which are embarrassing and some of which are truly teachable moments. 

Bathe in the glory of your fuck-ups, embarrassment and face-palm-worthy errors because these are your sign posts and slip roads to a new direction. 

Some of you might be curious how I came to this state of delusional bliss where I seemingly lost my mind in the many fuck-ups and laughed? It's quite boring really - but I did some sales forecasting. 

I kid you not - I spent two days (out of curiosity more than anything) making a detailed year on year comparison of my sales from 2013-2016, which I'll explain below. I've made a template of the model I created should you wish to embark on this mind-numbingly revelation-worthy task [NOTE: remember to save a copy of it, not input your information directly onto it, as it's a public Google Sheet and all your financial information will be shared with everyone which is not good]. 

The madness first started after reading this super helpful Etsy Blog article, to try and forecast Christmas sales for my shop. And when the results were tallied, all the information from each months revenue and number of sales input into my spreadsheet, I sat back and thought, damn, I underestimated the power of my wonderful little illustrated business. 

So then I went off a tangent and I pulled up ALL my accounts for the same timeframe (2013-2016) and started inputting all my revenue information, month by month, year by year, to start painting a picture of what my year on year sales were like. I even went as far as to break this down into the each revenue stream, so I could get a better idea of where my money was coming from. 

And when all of that was done, I sat back and looked at the cold hard evidence which only number crunching can give you - and I realised a number of things: 

1. I made decisions last year based on feelings and not on financial evidence. 
2. I did not appreciate what I had till I stopped doing it. 
3. I busted some serious ass this year, and although it wasn't my strongest from a money point of view, it's been the smartest I worked in a long time.

Who knew that all this meaning could come from something as mundane as sales forecasting? Admittedly there are heaps of businesses who do this every year, and are probably wondering why I never got on with this before, and you're right. I'm a little late to this smart financial forecasting party. But I'm here now and I'm loving it. 

I'm geared up and I'm positive about where to take my illustrated business.

I'm excited to get back into making and designing products to sell. I can't wait to head out into the world again to meet my customers face to face at craft fairs and events. I'm looking forward to the thrill and the anxiety of launching new ranges and approaching stockists and being so fully immersed once more in the designer maker world. 

It's been a learning curve this year working solely as a freelance illustrator whilst my shop took a bit of a backseat - and I've been so grateful for all the projects, commissions and opportunities that came my way. I've learned so much about how I work, function and thrive as an illustrator, and I'm excited to come back to normal business as it was pre 2016. 

Most importantly however, the one thing I've learned that I feel you should take with you from this moment on after reading this: Embrace how much this may also be a fuck-up. 

No great business ever grew or became the power-house they are without taking some wrong turns; trusting the wrong people, investing money in the wrong thing or even taking their business down a route that maybe wasn't such a good idea. Mistakes = progress and progress is better than sitting and waiting for it all to happen. 

So before I leave you to go out into the world and embrace all your error-making ways, that only a human can do, I want to leave you with a profound quote from Amanda Palmer:

““Everyone in this room is going to be gone pretty quickly — and we will have either made something or not made something. The artists that inspire me are the ones that I look at and go, ‘Oh my god — you didn’t have to go there. It would’v been safer not to — but, for whatever reason, you did.’ And every time death happens, I’m reminded that it’s stupid to be safe… Usually, whatever that is — wherever you don’t want to go, whatever that risk is, wherever the unsafe place is — that really is the gift that you have to give.””

— Amanda Palmer via Brain Pickings

Read the full article that this quote was taken from, 'Vincent Van Gogh on Fear, Taking Risks, and How Making Inspired Mistakes Moves us Forward' by Brain Pickings and also take some time to watch this incredible interview with Grace Bonney, the owner of Design*Sponge, on Marie Forleo's blog entitled 'Overcoming Fear, Accepting Imperfection, and the Real Deal with Work Life Balance.'

Now I'd like to hear about your monumental fuck-ups that you're grateful for (if you have anything, perfect human) - leave them in the comments below or tweet them to me @deborahpanesar

Keep up the trial and error and don't be ashamed to shout about it.