Mental Health as an Illustrator and Mother // Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week

Freelancing and motherhood. What a rollercoaster it has been so far.

I often have people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it, working from home with a toddler!” or “you must be so disciplined to get any work done at home, I’d be so distracted”. And yes, a lot of that is true and is also extremely flattering.

The thing is, I am a complete imposter, because you see the problem is I am not nailing it one bit. One human being (or should I say woman because let’s face it, this isn’t necessarily an issue for all working men…) cannot be 100% full time working and 100% full time mum.

Those are two separate full time jobs, in their own right, and the maths doesn’t work. So what happens is the inevitable; comparison, guilt, feelings of failure and then the ‘all expected but not expected at all because you’ve been lying to yourself’ crash.

I had mine back in September/October. I may have been portraying that I was nailing this working mum malarky all over the internet (because I’m just as guilty of doing that as anyone else), like a multi-armed goddess, but really I was at the start of what was to be a sharp downward arc. I had come off my meds so myself and my husband could have another baby, and whilst I was only on a low dose anyway I was not prepared for how I would feel just coming off that mixed with the hormonal tsunami that consumed me with getting pregnant.

I felt ill. Not just mentally, but physically, like I had never experienced with Ophelia. Having both the mental and physical battering made my mum guilt multiply when I couldn’t play with Ophelia the same, or couldn’t make it out the house. Then the work guilt would kindly join in when I didn’t feel I could sit at my desk and work, or have the mental capacity to open an email.

Comparison was often rife when I would see other mums just being totally amazing and not complaining one single bit. Mum’s who had it much worse than me, or more children, or more work pressures. Single mums, and mums on lower incomes. Mums with unsupportive partners or distanced family.

I’d sit there and think, “woman, what’s wrong with you? You have a very supportive and loving husband, family all around, a gorgeous toddler and another healthy baby on the way. A freelance career you’ve worked hard for. A house you own. What could you possibly be feeling sad about?”

But I just was. I didn’t feel good enough, or worthy of anyone’s time or attention. I didn’t feel special, or interesting, or that any of my feelings were valid.

Because that’s what happens when you tell yourself something enough times; you actually believe it.

With the help of my perinatal support worker, my MBCT group, my family and close friends and even my pregnancy yoga class, I’ve managed to make it to the 8 1/2 month mark in pregnancy. I’m feeling pretty battered and bruised from the journey to get here (let’s throw in my dad getting sick and going to hospital, Ophelia going to A&E, heavy work loads, and of course lockdown and a pandemic…) but remarkably, I’m still going.

I am anything but stubborn.

A lot has been acceptance, which I’ve only managed to achieve through time, space, meditation, journalling, talking to my loved ones and (within lockdown rules) getting out in the sun and walking it out. The pandemic has stripped me of a lot of things that used to help me cope and manage my mood, but it’s also shown me that I can be adaptable and I can weather it.

Depression and anxiety when you have kids, as well as running your own business, can feel like the worst thing to befall you because it’s up to you to keep your shit together, to be accountable, to make sure you get up so you can play with your kid. I’d feel this pressure to be sure I was on top of everything, despite how I was feeling. To put dinner on the table. To answer that important email or fulfil that order because it’s got to go to the Post Office.

I used to worry constantly that the way I am would affect Ophelia, would rub off on her and make her unhappy, but honestly what I see in her is total compassion. When I’m having a bad day, or just a really good cry, she comes over and she gives me her bunnies to soothe me. She’ll say “It’s ok mummy, Flossy will make you feel better and then your tears can go”.

She’s seen all emotions, not just the super shiny positive ones, and I’m starting to think that’s actually a really good thing. It allows her to be sad and to feel whatever feelings she has. It gives her the permission to feel whatever she needs to, no judgement, and the amazing thing is the sooner she acknowledges how she’s feeling the quicker she moves on from it.

Honestly, we could all be more like a three year old in some ways.

I’m not ‘cured’ and I’ve stopped expecting that this will be something I will get rid of completely. It’s just something I have to manage the best I can, and hopefully once the pandemic is over the coping mechanisms that used to help me manage my thoughts and mood can be put back in place; seeing friends and family, long walks out in the countryside and plenty of adventures.

Maybe I’ll go back on meds once baby is born, maybe I’ll just need a new form of therapy. I can make those decisions once he’s earth side and we’ve settled into our new family of four.

So I’m really writing this for any of you who are struggling, silently or with the aid of our amazing NHS. For anyone who has ever felt like they are just the worst mother ever, or that they haven’t got it all together and they should. For those who feel like a failure because they chose to work over staying at home, or because they chose to stay at home and not work. For any of you juggling and wondering when you will ever be able to do one job 100%. And I’m writing this for me too, because I need to hear it(and remind myself) just as much that I am worthy of good things too.

Remember:

You’re doing great.

Just keep going.

Deborah x

If you ever feel that life, and stuff, is getting too much there are some amazing people out there who you can talk to if you feel that you can’t talk to friends and family. PANDA’S Foundation have a free phone line you can call 0808 1961 776, as well as the Samaritans who you can contact on 116 123. Of course your GP will be there too to help and guide you, so please seek help if you’re struggling.

Hello 2020! A little look back at 2019 (PART II)

Carrying on from Part I, I’m sharing all the things that brought me joy, and made me proud in 2019, from July through to December.

JULY

Prints arrived of my new ‘Prove them Wrong’ design and I was over the moon with how gorgeous the foiling turned out.

Then I was off to London to sell at the House of Illustration Summer Fair!

Ophelia had her first trip to the Golden Mile in Leicester, and her first taste of the exquisite Bobby’s.

Renovations continued, this time taking the carpet up in our bedroom to reveal these stained floorboards.

More eco swaps - this time for a disposable razor and shaving soap bar which I bought from Shop Zero Nottingham

We then did a little up-cycling project to breathe some life into some old garden furniture my Dad had passed onto us…

… with just some garden furniture paint from Wilkos!

Our old, worn doors came off…

…and were replaced with these beautiful new composite doors.

I was asked to paint Puneet’s beautiful logo on a feature wall of her new Wedding Ring Workshop (and boy, was that a hot week!)

Nottingham’s Pride brought so much colour and positive energy to what was a VERY wet day

And Ophelia had her first proper visit to the Gurdwara for a family member’s birthday.

AUGUST

I started August working on a design for a totally new product

More eco swaps, this time this gorgeous shampoo bar when my bottled shampoo ran out.

The Nottingham Etsy Team leaders came over and we had the incredibly hard task of choosing who we were going to pick to sell for Etsy Made Local! It took us a few hours with many snacks/cups of tea.

Our beautiful friends Dan and Ruby tied the knot in the most amazing wedding venue - and I mean, look at Ruby!

I designed some custom privacy vinyl for the glass in our new front door and it casts the dreamiest shadows on our floor!

I had a wonderful client meeting with Matthew, author of The Alphabet Children, at this amazing cafe called Fika. We hatched some awesome illustrated plans for his book!

I made some edits to an existing pattern I had created for Lola’s Apothecary and these beautiful samples came in the post.

I started work on a new print design….

And in the summer sun we visited more stately homes and festivals celebrating Mother Nature.

SEPTEMBER

I designed the promotional materials for our Nottingham Etsy Made Local - and it was exciting to start shouting about our event at our new venue in the Council House.

That moon illustrated back in August? Got turned into this huge wall hanging!

I finished designing my Christmas cards! These were my best ever selling designs for Christmas, and I can’t tell you how thankful I was for every re-order (there were 5!)

My Grandad (who’s is bossing life at 92 by the way) treated myself and my mum to a day at Ragdale Hall Spa

The Nottingham Etsy Team had another amazing meet up, this time with a talk from the incredibly talented and switched on business coach Debbiedoodah , who talked to us about the importance of email marketing.

Injected with that new enthusiasm from Debbie’s talk I decided to put more effort into my email marketing and started creating illustrated freebies for my email subscribers.

I joined with the Global Climate Strike in the Nottingham Market Square, standing in solidarity with children and adults alike to try and make positive change for our climate crisis.

We had more adventures, this time at Newstead Abbey

OCTOBER

I created my first downloadable product for Etsy, these print at home Halloween Masks in a wolf, black cat and bat design.

The seasons started to change…

and we went pumpkin picking in the biggest mud field you’d ever seen!

NOVEMBER

We had a magical bonfire night

More autumnal walks which are honestly my favourite

Oh yes, more renovations! This time getting rid of the awful dark/grey brown vinyl in our kitchen, and getting this faux Victorian tile vinyl.

For the first time ever I sold at the Craft Fair Contemporary and it was amazing!

And then a family of 3 became a family of 4…

That monkey illustration from a few months ago? Got turned into these awesome patch t-shirts for kids!

Etsy Made Local Nottingham finally arrived and it was our biggest and best event to date! (photo courtesy of the Nottingham Etsy Team)

DECEMBER

We kicked off December, and a little post Etsy Made Local come down, with some festive eating

And fetive activities like this beautiful light show at Belton House gardens

I designed more freebies for my amazing newsletter subscribers

And finally visited the vegetarian restaurant of dreams, No. Twelve.

Keeping our Christmas more eco I stamped a HUGE roll of recycled brown paper to wrap all our gifts in.

We painted our bedroom!

I was then back in London for the House of Illustration Winter Fair!

After wrapping up some commissions and smaller projects it was then time to unwind for Christmas with plenty of family visits, biscuit baking and a huge vegetarian feast for Christmas!

We ended 2019 out in the garden; fire on, hot chocolates in hand, enjoying all of our neighbours fireworks!

Phew! What a year! If you made it to the end of this two part blog post spectacular I applaud you.

I hope this inspires you to go back through photos of your 2019 to see the highlights and celebrate all the wins you achieved. I was so cynical about the whole thing before I started writing this post, but I have to say it has been cathartic, and an incredibly powerful way of owning my own achievements. Just documenting it here has been a process, and I have to say it’s given me a very positive surge of work energy for the year ahead!

We have so much to look forward to this year - welcoming our baby boy into the world being the main thing we’re gearing up towards - but I would love to know what things you’re looking forward to in 2020 and what things you were proud of in 2019?

Hello 2020! A little look back at 2019 (PART I)

A very happy (and belated) New Year to all of you!

There’s nothing like a new year, let alone a brand new decade, to bring out the sentimentality in people. It’s been both interesting and a little depressing watching through everyone’s round up’s of 2019 via Instagram (I get it, you guys got to have a lot of holidays whilst we never made it out of the UK!) but I thought it would still be nice to share what a wonderful year it was - minus holidays - both work and in personal life, to maybe help myself not have so much FOMO.

Who am I kidding, I’ll still be wildly jealous, but it’s been wonderful looking through photos of all the work we’ve put in this year; renovations to our 1940’s house, birthdays, amazing commissions and wonderful events I was privileged to take part in.

JANUARY

I started the year with working on fresh designs for Valentine’s Day

I also started the 30 day Dedicate Yoga program by Yoga with Adrienne to get myself in a better exercise regime

I was finally prescribed with some glasses for working in to help with all those teeny tiny illustrations!

Amazing meet ups with the other leaders of the Nottingham Etsy Team

Worked on designs for my friends party invitations for her son…

FEBRUARY

We started work again on renovating our 1940’s home - starting with taking up the carpet on the stairs and landing and revealing these beautiful floorboards.

My new Valentine’s collection launched and I had the pleasure of posting them out!

In my bid to make 2019 my year for making my home and business more eco friendly, I started making small swaps around the house when things broke/wore out.

We had plenty of cold but beautiful walks in and around Nottinghamshire.

And then we had our old gas fire taken out…

Ophelia had her first trip to London to visit her Auntie.

Then I had the pleasure of talking about my illustrated business and how I started out illustrating at the Select Vegan networking event.

I mean, look at the spread they put on…

MARCH

I started designing invitations for Ophelia’s 2nd Birthday.

After my unsuccessful Kickstarter campaign, I finally released my Eat Kind meal planners into the world - my first 100% recycled and eco friendly product (including packaging).

We had snow!

I started my creative business coaching journey with Amy from Women Who Create

Then we had the loveliest little weekend away to Stamford visiting stately homes, beautiful tea rooms, and then this church near Rutland.

More renovations carried on, finishing off our fireplace with these gorgeous star tiles for the hearth.

And just like that, our Ophelia turned two.

APRIL

The next step in making my business more eco-friendly, was offering my customers on Etsy and in my web shop the option to have their cards shipped with or without cellophane sleeves. It’s been an absolute game changer.

Using the designs from my friends party invites, I created my first range of sophisticated children’s age cards, which have been received so well.

I also designed some new Easter cards featuring this Victorian style Easter bunny

We sanded and painted our staircase!

And then went on to paint our living room this awesome pink colour called Pink Alabaster by Valspar

MAY

We started May trying to make another eco swap with locally delivered fruit and vegetables from Kerry’s Fresh

More house updates, making our little balcony/patio out the back into an outdoor living room ready for summer!

I had the pleasure on working on this beautiful branding for Out of the Woods Hypnotherapy

Worked out in the sun and rain for the Sutton Bonington Summer Festival.

More lovely Etsy Team meet up’s at Debbie Bryan’s

And finally, celebrated 5 years of marital bliss in the best way we know - with the best vegetarian burgers in Nottingham at Annie’s Burger Shack

JUNE

We started June with the loveliest impromptu trip to Matlock

Then I saw my latest surface design for Godâ Skjorter come to life in these beautiful Hawaiian style shirts.

It was my birthday! And my mum made the tastiest banana cake.

I had the second product from my Eat Kind collection release, these beautiful screen printed tea towels.

I finished the month starting work on a new print

Check out my next post for July-December of my 2019 journey!

7 Tips for Freelancing with a Toddler in Tow

Photography by Daniel Hughes

Imagine you have a colleague at work who relentlessly needs your attention, messes up your keyboard (which makes your laptop freeze), is beyond filthy and has no personal boundaries? Working from home with a toddler is pretty much like this. In a shared office environment this person would probably have to visit HR but when your office is a corner, or at best a room, in your own home, you’ve got to somehow manage these tiny whirlwinds of energy!

It’s only after 18 months of tears, frustration and stamping feet (and I’m not on about my own toddler…) that I’ve been able to find ways to get through a day where emails have been answered and projects get completed. Here are my top 7 tips should you be on the verge of shipping your own tiny human off…

ONE / Work smarter, not faster

Since having Ophelia and having to really re-work my daily routine to accommodate her and work (which has shown me how actually un-adaptable I can actually be!) I genuinely can’t believe how little I got done before I had her. There’s something about having a 2-3 hour window everyday that gives you some serious laser focus; there’s no time to idle away on Instagram or claim you’re ‘researching’ when you’re head first in a Pinterest rabbit hole.

Nope, you’ve got to be pretty stern with yourself and get that list written out with the top priorities for those few hours. I’m on about important emails (deleting old ones can be done in ad breaks in the evening in front of the TV), making those phone calls that give you the hebe jeebies, cracking on with illustration projects.

The other stuff, the stuff I like to call the ‘chuff’ of being freelance can be done after it’s the little persons bedtime. Invoices need filing? Inbox need clearing? Social media posts need scheduling? Yep, those are perfect ‘sofa jobs’ which don’t require excellent daylight (if you’re an artist) or a desk.

You’ll be amazed with what you can achieve when you limit yourself to just a few hours!

TWO / Work around their schedule

This kind of ties in with the previous tip, but get to know your little person’s routine and make it work for you. If they have a regular time of day when you know they’ll get sleepy, then plan to get your work done in that nap time window.

I know I can’t get any work done when Ophelia is awake (save for a few orders but that is all she can tolerate before boredom hits!) so I always make sure that the time we spend together is just us time. And should it just be the activities we do exert her to the point of tiredness around her nap time then that’s a good coincidence too…

Don’t get me wrong - she’s not a robot and 50% of the time I’m winging it because the day just hasn’t planned out like I thought it would. That’s having children in a nutshell, but I just make sure I catch up when lights are out, which leads me on to…

THREE / You may have to become a night owl

I’ve always labelled myself a lark, and thought that I could only work in the morning and was a useless lump of lethargy by the afternoon. Well, let me tell you that’s just a story I used to tell myself. I’ve had no choice but to become a bit of a night owl since having Ophelia because there are days when there is no opportunity for me to sit down and focus on my work.

Sure I can post to Instagram or answer an email here and there whilst she’s awake, but the stuff that requires my full attention I can save till the evening now when she’s tucked up in bed resting.

FOUR / Get those boundaries in place

I’m very lucky to have a whole room as my studio in our house. A small corner of it does have some toys and a teepee for Ophelia to play in when I’m in there sorting orders but for the rest of the time it’s an out of bounds room. Aside from the fact that her little hands seem to manage to destroy everything in sight in the space of seconds, I want her to understand that that space is my work room and that the things that are in there (my laptop, stock, clients work) is very important and can’t be touched.

The joy of working for yourself is that you don’t have to adhere to strict hours, or dress code or office location, but sometimes there needs to be some boundaries so others can respect that what you do isn’t just a hobby (and I’m not just talking about kids here) and is in fact an important job.

FIVE / Be open and honest with your clients

There’s going to be a day when your child won’t nap, and they won’t just entertain themselves with a film for a few hours, and basically it will feel like they are out to destroy any plans you had for your day. Honesty is the best policy here.

I’ve had a few scheduled client calls which I’ve booked to be during Ophelia’s nap time and of course she’s decided to stay awake to mix all the play dough together (very important job). She’s at an age now where she does have a little understanding that when I’m on the phone, she needs to do her best ‘whispering voice’, however her mind loses focus quickly and so I may at best get 5 minutes with my client uninterrupted.

It’s best to just manage everyone’s expectations and be honest with your client. A very polite disclaimer at the beginning of your call or meeting to explain your situation, and to apologise in advance for any interruption will go a long way to helping ease any discomfort when your darling child starts to pipe up. 90% of the time clients are parents too, and they understand the trials and tribulations that come with it.

Still, it does make you die a little when it happens as you worry that it makes you look totally unprofessional. In that case, make sure you can book any extremely high profile client calls on a day when maybe your little human is out of the house and is screaming down someone else’s.

SIX / Make use of your Village

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I honestly believe that. We’re very fortunate to live close to our parents, all of whom are more than happy to watch Ophelia for me. Whether it’s for a whole day, or even just a morning, I am privileged to have that time carved out to just get work done.

And besides, it brings them joy too.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There is nothing weak about it. You are a human, and you can’t do it all (as much as the media may tell you otherwise). Some work commitments and projects just need an empty house, and you don’t need to justify yourself to anyone.

If you don’t have the luxury of family nearby, why not ask a friend who has kids as well? Maybe one of the NCT mums you met when you were pregnant? Either way it makes a great playdate for your children, and great way for you to get your to do list completed. You can always return the favour to your pal another day and in turn give them a chance to a child free day!

SEVEN / Remember the amazing advantage you have…

In the end, it’s important to remember that not everyone gets to spend as much time with their kids when they’re young. Working from home with kids is hard, and it can be frustrating, but remember that you get to see more of the milestones than those parents who work outside the home.

You have this golden opportunity to be there for all the firsts, to hear them string new sentences together, and to enjoy things like going to the park/soft play/cafes/other fun stuff that you can’t do in an office. These young formative years can go so quickly, and to be a big presence in them is very important and musn’t be overlooked.

I hope these tips help in your journey into the world of freelancing and parenting simultaneously. If you have your own life saving tips I would love to hear them! Feel free to drop them in the comments below and hopefully it will help any other freelance parents out there!

What Ophelia has taught me // #1

Illustration by Deborah Panesar ©

When I became a mother I knew that I would learn life lessons but I never anticipated how much they would filter in to other aspects of my life.

I liked to keep my ‘mother’ label mostly separate from my ‘freelance’ label, because I was almost defiant that I didn’t want to be defined as only a mother. I also didn’t want to share photos of Ophelia because she was such a special part of my life, that I selfishly treasured for my own, so it didn’t feel right to put her up on the internet everyday.

My PND also had me scared to be too vulnerable. I was afraid my followers would think I had given up on illustration, or that everyday I was going to be posting more and more content that they hadn’t signed up for.

Really though, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I still don’t greatly like sharing too many photos of Ophelia online (she can tell me when she’s older if she’s happy for me to share) but I have done a full 180 on how I feel about being too vulnerable/sharing personal content.

I cannot deny that this little human has changed me. She has shown me so much that I had forgotten in becoming an adult, and made me self aware as a friend, wife, daughter and sister. So I wanted to pay homage to that in a new blog series, showcasing some of the good, bad and ugly stuff that she has taught me in her short but wise life (so far).

#1 Rushing is futile

If you have a small child, it goes without saying that you’re guaranteed to be late for a lot of stuff. With so much to remember (especially when they’re really small, it’s like packing for a mini break) as well as making sure they have enough layers/options for weather/things to go to sleep with. You can guarantee they’ll fill their nappy right before you get out the door.

I spent a lot of time getting crazy frustrated with Ophelia; Why is she doing this to me? Why can’t she sit still? Why does she now decide to get upset about the shoes I’ve put on her feet?

Thing is she isn’t doing anything to me. Toddlers and babies have no concept of time so it is literally impossible for her to know that she’s making me late.

Really, I’m making myself crazy frustrated; I’m frustrated at myself for not giving myself enough time and I’m frustrated that I’m going to be turning up to wherever I’m going to as a palpitating, hot sweaty mess.

Yes, rushing is futile. The more I rush, the more stressed I get. The more stressed I get the more I forget. The more I forget the more cross I get at myself, and the more cross I get the sweatier I get (you see a sweaty pattern here?!).

So i’ve decided to stop rushing, in more aspects than one.

I’ve stopped rushing emails. Rushed emails have tons of mistakes and I know half the time they don’t make sense and I have probably not even attached the work I needed to send to the client.

I’ve stopped rushing work. If I have to put in a few more hours, then so be it. I’m not going to rush the quality of my work just because I now need to balance being a full time mum as well.

I’ve stopped rushing conversations. Nothing says ‘I’m not interested in what you have to say’ than when you have one eye on your phone for that email notification and one ear on your husband who is just trying to have a conversation with you after a long day.

I’ve stopped rushing my to-do list. This one’s a biggie. I used to think it was how much I got done rather than how good I got those things done. Quality over quantity > Quantity over quality. I’m now a little more accepting if I just get 1 thing done off my to-do list, so long as I’ve done it to the best of my ability and I feel confident that it’s finished.

Most importantly, I’ve stopped rushing Ophelia. She’s at an incredible age where the world is magic and everything that we see as mundane is a new discovery. I try my very best to give her the time to explore those little things, even if it’s a pine cone, a bus stop or to stand and wave to the man in the van. It really isn’t always possible, all the time, because sometimes I really do need to be somewhere! But it’s a goal I can strive for.

When I feel the need to rush well up in me, and I’m watching the hands on the clock move but my daughter isn’t, then I just try and take a very deep breath and think fuck it.

I’ll get there at some point, but right now is pretty good.

The Art of Living (and Blogging) Slowly

It's taken me a while to dust off the old blog and begin getting into sharing posts with you lovely lot again. I've had so much I've wanted to share, but as always, not so much of time going around these days. 

Since I last blogged there's been some pretty big changes around here. There is now a baby, a 10 month old baby, careering about like a little drunk person whilst she's learning to walk. And although I've been back at work full time for the past 3 months I've only just got a handle on things. 

The biggest takeaway from it all is just to keep things s l o w. 

Having Ophelia has made me understand now that I literally cannot be everything to everyone, and I simply cannot do everything all at once. So I'm choosing to live slow this year, and that is the only resolution I'm making. 

The funny thing is now that I'm choosing to go slow, I'm finding that things are actually getting done. They might not be completed in the lightning quick fashion I usually want them done, but they're getting done. Not perfected, but done. 

And I'm actually illustrating more for pleasure, rather than getting bogged down with the admin and the emails and the accounts and the algorithms and the Pinterest trawl. When you suddenly lose all the time you had before, you really come to appreciate and treasure the rare time that you do have when you're not being something to someone. 

So if you're finding yourself starting this year frantically trying to accomplish all your goals by February 1st, take a breath, be rebellious and just say fuck it. 

If you're trying to sprint to the finish line, you'll miss the view on the way. 

Rambling notes on not feeling good enough

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

— Theodore Roosevelt

Lately I've been working myself to a strict set of to-do lists to try and fit in all the work I want to accomplish before starting my maternity leave.

I've been pretty chuffed with how well I've been hitting those targets; completing photoshoots, listing new products, re-working my wholesale catalogue, building a brand new e-commerce site and sorting out lots of niggly little behind the scenes things that essentially I want fixed and sorted before my leave. 

Nothing gives me more satisfaction than marking a little 'x' next to those completed tasks. I feel like a total champion of the to-do list world.  

But there's been a problem. 

It just doesn't feel like I've done them good enough, or even that anybody particularly cares about them. Launching my brand new shop didn't get the excited response I was hoping for; Re-photographing my entire product range hasn't had any effect on my sales or customer engagement; releasing new products hasn't yielded any sales or interest. 

The past week, as I finish my work and switch off my mac at the end of the day, I sit back, and wonder, 'what am I missing?'. I get this exasperated, defeatist sensation roll over me where I just want the universe to tell me why I'm not good enough.

I beg to someone, somewhere, to just give me the answer so I can stop living in this purgatory where I'm running on this treadmill of work ethic to try and get something back, something tangible, other than the occasional double tap or spammy account telling me how to get more followers.  

It sounds so whingey to sit here typing this. Trust me when I tell you that I'm trying really hard not to delete this whole section. But, honestly, there are times in self-employment when you're surrounded by the constant drip feed of others accolades, that you wonder why you just didn't go and find any old job.

Why put yourself through this constant misery of self-loathing and heartache, with no financial gain, or financial security?  

I poured my heart, soul and energy into all of these projects. I researched design trends, popular products and raked through surveys that I've had my own customers complete. I'm doing everything all the freelance blogs tell you to do; I've read all the books on marketing; I've even started to target my posts to be shared at times of the day when people are actually online. Which is more boring than admirable I'm sure. 

But there seems to me to be no bite. 

Maybe my work just isn't engaging anymore.

Maybe I'm just not good enough to do this anymore. 

Maybe I'm mining for my gold in all the wrong places.

Maybe I'm being a whiny little grunt about the whole thing. 

And maybe these are things that will take a bit more time to gain traction in the online sales world, and that I need to put my patient hat on and accept the lot I am given. 

I know how many sparkly emoji's I put out there on my social media, promoting positivity and upbeat posts about my work. But I'm writing this today to show you that I'm working hard on the facade I've created because I don't want any of you to know that I'm a fraud - it's not all sparkly emoji's behind the scenes. There's actually a lot of self-doubt, rumination, worry, panic and fear.

I'm struggling to make ends meet.

I'm battling feelings of being a failure and a let down because the clock is almost at 0 and what I had hoped to achieve, I haven't, and I feel like that's letting my daughter down. 

And there really isn't a good enough emoji to express all these feelings. 

Except maybe crying tear emoji, but that just feels too banal. 

If this is just TMI for you and you're wondering why this mad woman is baring her soul, and financial status, for the world to read, then I'm sorry you've had to sit and read through this. There is no follow up post (currently planned) to share my Rocky-esque rise to glory, against the odds. The odds are currently here, and I don't have a crystal ball to know when or how it will all get better.

But I've read enough Rocky-esque rise-to-glory styled books to know that this is all just my journey. I'm hoping that the winds of change will soon blow in my direction, that my scepticism will be proven wrong and that there may be a few days when the feeling of not being good enough will fade enough to give me the courage to keep on the journey I've chosen. 

And if you're still hanging around after this post, to join me on it too and feel the courage to share your truth as well. 

Let's keep going guys xo

2016 Life Lessons

I actually can't believe I'm sat here, writing to you with only a few more days left of 2016. This year has, by far, gone quicker than any year I can remember and yet at the same time it was the most arduous and gruelling year I've experienced to date. 

It's not hard to get sentimental, retrospective and thoughtful about the past 12 months when faced with the idea of a fresh 12 months ahead. We all love a do-over, a chance to redeem ourselves for not spending the year in the way we 'should have done' with this sparkly eyed dream that we'll somehow crack this thing called 'life' and we'll look back on 2017 with dewy eyed pride that it had been a great year and we are truly greats amongst mere men. 

That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, but yet we still do it every January 1st with long resolution lists, credit cards armed ready to sign up to gym memberships or juicers aligned perfectly in your kitchen ready for all those green blends you're going to make before heading to work, walking the dog and hitting said gym. And all before 6am, of course! 

As a freelancer it's easy to apply these borderless, unattainable and what I like to call 'quicksand' goals to your own business. 

'Make more sales!'
'Have more stockists!'
'Be known online!'
'Get more likes!'
'Be as successful as [insert favourite creative you lust over]'  

These goals, that have no measure, that are open and that allow you to keep shifting the goal posts can only pull you down in a quicksand way. Before you know you're drowning in your own unattainable goals you'll be fighting against your own judgement, limits and health till you're swallowed whole by them. 

Trust me when I tell you, that I can vouch for this first hand. 2016's biggest gift to me, alongside other nuggets of wisdom, was this realisation which I feel now is more of a tool than a sad realisation. 

After reading Lola Hoad's inspirational blog post 'What I've Learned in 2016' I felt inspired to share some of the things that I've learnt from the past year which I've decided to use as my 'resolutions', or more fittingly my 'personal reminders'. 

You can withstand more than you think you are capable of

When I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in June I wondered how I would survive it. I didn't believe that I would - I felt un-fixable, broken and extremely lost in a world that seemed to have it all figured out.

Only 4 weeks later I then found out I was pregnant, and after having only started my first of 20 sessions of CBT I didn't know how I would cope with living a life that was filled with this sadness and darkness alongside a new life that was new, frightening and completely unknown. 

When a week later we thought we had lost our baby I didn't then know how I would cope in a world without the new life that was new, frightening and completely unknown. And what it would all mean if we did lose the baby - that perhaps my depression and anxiety had been the cause and I had effectively taken that life away. 

And after a year of poor sales, a slowed down economy and some daring financial investments that were seeing no return I didn't know how I would cope with all this internal stuff, body morphing internal stuff, as well as an uncertain financial future that was swirling all around me on a daily basis. 

Yet, I did, I have, and I still am surviving. I survived all those things I didn't think I could. I stood in the eye of the storm and weathered it, despite the lack of faith I had in not only myself but my fate. 

Everyone has limits, and that's ok

Everyone has a point where they decide they can't go any further - a limit that tells them that from this point onwards it will be only trouble. For a long time I didn't know this limit, I believed that somehow I was above that and that I almost didn't deserve to think I could say no when the time was right. So I would keep working or burning myself out until I became unwell physically or mentally. 

But remember all the stuff I mentioned before? All that stuff has forced me to learn to know when I'm reaching my limit before I end up on the road to burnout. Most importantly, I'm learning that it's ok. It's ok to know that you can't do everything, whether that's for others, for your loved ones, or for clients and customers. We are just humans.

Phase out the negative energies in your life

I've come to see that I allowed a lot of negative energies into my life, and these were just limited to people but also to objects and habits. And the trouble with negative energies is that if you aren't strong enough in your resolve for what you want in life, in your values, then you'll keep letting these negativities keep driving your life. 

So I've been on a negative energy diet in business and my personal life. 

All the practises that weren't bringing me joy, that were wasting my time or were fruitless for business, they've been ditched. The biggest thing I've ditched since Boxing Day is my Facebook. It truly has sucked the very life out of me, so I've waved bye-bye to countless analytic checking, planning posts to be published at the optimal time, trying to concoct varied content and the days filled with frustration as to why I haven't gained more followers in 12 months than I have after having the damn thing for 4 years.

Facebook can honestly do one, I'm ready to see the next big thing. 

I've also started to cut ties with certain people in my life who did nothing but bring me down - People who aren't bad human beings, but who I don't have a connection with anymore. People who don't seem to have the same values that align with mine. People who make me feel guilty, who attack me, who have nothing positive to say. People who would rather check up on my life via Instagram rather than just send me a text to ask how I'm doing.

I'm sending those people all the positive vibes for their life - I wish them well, I wish them happiness, but from now on I need to cultivate an environment for myself and my daughter which fills us with joy.

It's nice to take a backseat sometimes  

I've always been a 'do-er'. I always want to organise things, help people, save them from making mistakes or from suffering heartache. I want to be able to control life in a way that's not meddling but more with good intentions. 

2016 has made me learn to sit in the backseat for once and to stop trying to always take the steering wheel. 

Amazingly, wonderful things happen when you stop trying to control every aspect of your life; Plans still get made, deadlines still get reached, and funnily enough the whole world doesn't fall apart. In fact, you can be surprised by what people can pull out of the bag, or even what offers are made when you don't work on a knee jerk reaction. 

Taking just 30 seconds to catch a breath and think, 'Do I need to react to this now, or plan to be proactive now?' can make all the difference to stop you from falling into the controlling trap. I've found that it's allowed people to surprise me, and for business to run smoother rather than the sensation of frantically trying to plug all the leaking holes. 

Truly embrace just being you

You can try to be like someone else, whether that's another business person or someone who follow online, but ultimately no one does you better than ... you. There is no set recipe for fame, popularity or even financial success, and emulating someone else through the extremely filtered lens of social media does not guarantee that you'll end up with the same rewards that they have reaped. 

Ultimately, you can only be you. The life of trying to live like someone else will only drain you out, or bore you before it comes to that. Seriously, life is really just too short to try and trace it off the blueprint of someone else's. 

What you may not also realise is that someone may be tracing your blueprint too. You might read this and think I'm in no position to make that assumption, but as the old adage goes 'there's always someone who has less than you.' That doesn't have to mean financial though - They may have less followers, less blog readers, less sales, less access to opportunities or even less confidence. 

There is plenty we have that we can sometimes take for granted or just not appreciate the value of, which to others are what drives them or fills them with jealousy. 

So just say 'fuck it' and be yourself - all the things you love, hate, wear, eat, listen to, read or do. Enjoy them, shout about them, be proud of them. Ultimately people will buy more into your brand and identity when it's genuine, and if you lose followers along the way then they just weren't your tribe. 

Nothing comes to you

This feels like such an obvious one, yet I fall into the trap time and time again. You can't sit in your studio and expect your inbox to be full of enquiries when you haven't put the graft and time into putting yourself out there into the world. 

It's easy to think that this is what happens with other freelancers or illustrators, but let me tell you that you're not seeing the hours put in every week to chase every lead, to email any kind of potential client, or create promotional material to post to agencies. Magic happens when you put some spark into it. So go create sparks wherever you can - create a list of dream clients and start working on making connections, or go to networking events to get to know the local businesses in your area. 

Stop sitting and waiting for life to come to you, but seek it out. Rejection is a very strong possibility, but is a better outcome that waiting around for something to happen, and the frustration that comes with it. 

I encourage this practise more so when you actually have work, so that when that client has finished you have leads to carry you through the quieter times. Stay proactive. 

Above all else... 

Remain grateful for everything you have received over the year. In finances, opportunities, friendships, experiences and objects. So Thank You, each and every one of you who have purchased from my shop, read my blog, double tapped my Instagram photos or hired me for freelance work. You keep the dream alive and allow me to keep living a life I've always dreamed of. 

However, or whatever, you plan for 2017 I hope it's one filled with adventure, daring, bravery, happiness and authenticity.

Wishing you a Happy New Year,

Create More Than You Consume

When I turned to the last month of my Get To Work book, wondering what the inspiring graphic would be, I found my initial reaction to it quite surprising. 

It read: 'Create more than you consume' 

And it touched something in my brain, a memory or feeling, that I've been coming back to a lot recently. This past year - aside from my obvious ruminating which comes with my anxiety - I haven't been able to stop mulling over why I just don't seem to feel like I'm creating enough.

Everyone around me was making and creating and innovating and dreaming at an exponential rate (it seems) and all I could keep doing was going back through all those well worn paths of thought and habits; sitting on Pinterest and mooning over illustrators who I admired, taking in how they created their images, their use of colour, of contrast, or sitting on Instagram and just letting myself be overwhelmingly impressed and jealous, in equal amounts, at other designer makers who just seemed to be creating. 

But this little take away card, found in the back of my diary, felt like the answer to all my problems: Create more than you consume. 

Too much time had I spent steeping myself in the world of others, trying to understand their work, to be inspired by it, to be immersed in it, and not enough time was given to creating my own work. Time given to sit, be creative, let ideas flow, and to play. 

My CBT sessions have highlighted to me my absolute need to control and perfect, and how sometimes that stops me from doing anything because I'm just too scared to start and for it to be wrong. But by taking that path of least resistance, the one where you sit and observe from the sidelines, you don't allow yourself to be apart of the world and will forever just be a creative wallflower. 

Switch off your phone for an hour, put on your favourite music, and just let yourself be in a moment to create and to not be judgemental of it. Mentally turn off the mental chatter as you turn off your notifications and watch something magical happen. 

Perhaps in this one small change there can be inspiration to be free in other aspects of our lives. Whether that is in our relationships, our beliefs or with some old and worn habits, we can feel more accomplished when we stay mindful in the present activity and just be with it. 

Practising Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving to all my wonderful US clients / readers / customers!

It may not be a holiday that we celebrate here in the UK, but from my years of watching US sitcoms and shows I've always loved the tradition (and forgive me if this is not a tradition!) of sitting around the table and stating what you're thankful for.

It's so important to take a moment, even if it is just once a year, to show gratitude for what you have rather than constantly thinking of what you don't have. 

It's quite easy to forget all those wonderful little things that make up the the small joys in our day to day lives, especially when the world around us can be chaotic, un-predictable and (especially this year) disappointing. Whether it's personal life or work life, your laser beam focus on what you haven't done, or what you haven't achieved or are lacking can easily over look the other great things that are clearly around you and which, to others, may be what they feel are lacking. 

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

— Charles Dickens

So here is my compact (but not complete) list of things I'm really grateful for - the small and the big stuff...

• My home studio - you are warm, you are cosy, and I don't have to pay separate rent for you 

• The Nottingham creative community - in particular the wonderful Nottingham Etsy Team where I feel like I've met my tribe and have a reason to leave the house.
• Spotify ... you have enabled my golden oldie and tacky music habit which has got me through many a deadline. 
• My husband - Truly, no other human I'd want to spend this short time on earth with. We created a lovely little phenomena who I can't wait to meet in March - I hope she has your dark hair and un-fazed personality, but not your beard. 
• Our daughter - you kicking me in the bladder right now tells me that you're alive and nothing makes me happier. Keep kicking little one. 
• My family - extended and blood - who have been my cheerleader and my shoulder to cry on in what's been a year of lows and highs.
• Chocolate malted milks. Whoever thought to whack chocolate on malted milks needs a statue, or a national day. Or both. 
• The bin man who actually puts my bins back for me - you don't have to do this, you are a lovely human. 
• My neighbour who is always signing for my parcels - you saved me so much time trying to find a car park space at the depot. 
• CBT - Thank you for helping me to get my life back. I owe you, and the NHS, so much. 
• Yes, the NHS. Always the NHS. 

So what are you grateful for today? Feel free to share with me in the comments below, or write it down and keep it safe for a day when things feel like they're really not going your way. 

P.S I'm really enjoying this roll I seem to be on with writing posts! Do you want to read more or less? Drop me a line, or tweet @deborahpanesar to me know.

Let's keep making mistakes!

It's been one year since I proclaimed from the rooftops (well, my Tumblr page) that I was going to stop working on my business and to instead pursue designing and illustrating full time.

Reading through this post (which for some reason makes me cringe and want to delete it forever from the eyes of the internet) I can recall so vividly how burnt out, tired and quite dejected I was feeling about the whole thing. The 'tipping point' part of that whole post was true - something needed to change in order to for me to change how I felt.  

12 months on, what can I tell you?

Well, I did not succeed in making this dream a total reality. I'm here to tell you today that I did not end up making not a particularly smart business / life / wellbeing decision that I only realised the other day.

And I feel so damn positive about the whole thing.

Genuinely, I have never been more ecstatic than realising I had made this mistake. I felt it in my entire body, this happy revelation, that I gave it a damn hard try, and no one can take that away from me. I slogged the year, I trialled and boy did I error. I made some monumental fuck ups, some of which are embarrassing and some of which are truly teachable moments. 

Bathe in the glory of your fuck-ups, embarrassment and face-palm-worthy errors because these are your sign posts and slip roads to a new direction. 

Some of you might be curious how I came to this state of delusional bliss where I seemingly lost my mind in the many fuck-ups and laughed? It's quite boring really - but I did some sales forecasting. 

I kid you not - I spent two days (out of curiosity more than anything) making a detailed year on year comparison of my sales from 2013-2016, which I'll explain below. I've made a template of the model I created should you wish to embark on this mind-numbingly revelation-worthy task [NOTE: remember to save a copy of it, not input your information directly onto it, as it's a public Google Sheet and all your financial information will be shared with everyone which is not good]. 

The madness first started after reading this super helpful Etsy Blog article, to try and forecast Christmas sales for my shop. And when the results were tallied, all the information from each months revenue and number of sales input into my spreadsheet, I sat back and thought, damn, I underestimated the power of my wonderful little illustrated business. 

So then I went off a tangent and I pulled up ALL my accounts for the same timeframe (2013-2016) and started inputting all my revenue information, month by month, year by year, to start painting a picture of what my year on year sales were like. I even went as far as to break this down into the each revenue stream, so I could get a better idea of where my money was coming from. 

And when all of that was done, I sat back and looked at the cold hard evidence which only number crunching can give you - and I realised a number of things: 

1. I made decisions last year based on feelings and not on financial evidence. 
2. I did not appreciate what I had till I stopped doing it. 
3. I busted some serious ass this year, and although it wasn't my strongest from a money point of view, it's been the smartest I worked in a long time.

Who knew that all this meaning could come from something as mundane as sales forecasting? Admittedly there are heaps of businesses who do this every year, and are probably wondering why I never got on with this before, and you're right. I'm a little late to this smart financial forecasting party. But I'm here now and I'm loving it. 

I'm geared up and I'm positive about where to take my illustrated business.

I'm excited to get back into making and designing products to sell. I can't wait to head out into the world again to meet my customers face to face at craft fairs and events. I'm looking forward to the thrill and the anxiety of launching new ranges and approaching stockists and being so fully immersed once more in the designer maker world. 

It's been a learning curve this year working solely as a freelance illustrator whilst my shop took a bit of a backseat - and I've been so grateful for all the projects, commissions and opportunities that came my way. I've learned so much about how I work, function and thrive as an illustrator, and I'm excited to come back to normal business as it was pre 2016. 

Most importantly however, the one thing I've learned that I feel you should take with you from this moment on after reading this: Embrace how much this may also be a fuck-up. 

No great business ever grew or became the power-house they are without taking some wrong turns; trusting the wrong people, investing money in the wrong thing or even taking their business down a route that maybe wasn't such a good idea. Mistakes = progress and progress is better than sitting and waiting for it all to happen. 

So before I leave you to go out into the world and embrace all your error-making ways, that only a human can do, I want to leave you with a profound quote from Amanda Palmer:

““Everyone in this room is going to be gone pretty quickly — and we will have either made something or not made something. The artists that inspire me are the ones that I look at and go, ‘Oh my god — you didn’t have to go there. It would’v been safer not to — but, for whatever reason, you did.’ And every time death happens, I’m reminded that it’s stupid to be safe… Usually, whatever that is — wherever you don’t want to go, whatever that risk is, wherever the unsafe place is — that really is the gift that you have to give.””

— Amanda Palmer via Brain Pickings

Read the full article that this quote was taken from, 'Vincent Van Gogh on Fear, Taking Risks, and How Making Inspired Mistakes Moves us Forward' by Brain Pickings and also take some time to watch this incredible interview with Grace Bonney, the owner of Design*Sponge, on Marie Forleo's blog entitled 'Overcoming Fear, Accepting Imperfection, and the Real Deal with Work Life Balance.'

Now I'd like to hear about your monumental fuck-ups that you're grateful for (if you have anything, perfect human) - leave them in the comments below or tweet them to me @deborahpanesar

Keep up the trial and error and don't be ashamed to shout about it. 

Freelancing and Depression

There's a lot about freelancing which just shouldn't make sense to help depression. In fact, a lot of the elements that make up working from home, or for yourself, can be strong contributors to depression and anxiety; lack of human contact, unusual work hours and the ever ebb and flow of money have certainly been things that have contributed to my own depression. 

There is however this unique and hidden gift lying under the crying snotty panic and fear riddled mess you seem to become when you have depression, and that is that freelancing can be your saviour. 

I'm not trying to sell the notion that it will cure depression and anxiety, trust me, there is no sure fire cure. The cure is unfortunately inside yourself. However, from my experience freelancing has given me the rare opportunity to dust myself off and begin the ascent back to a world where you don't lose your shit over not cooking a risotto correctly (This has actually happened. I'll talk about that some other time.) 

So I present to you the top 6 elements of working for yourself that can help you in your depression:

 You can work to your schedule

Whether that is an emotional schedule, physical schedule, or an actual work load that needs to be handled, you have the flexibility to fit everything in to your day the way you want. The 9-5 grind is merciless and unforgiving to your sudden feelings of hopelessness that could crop up mid-meeting or even on an idle visit to the photocopier.

When you work from home you can work to the beat of your own drum, even if that drum is beating a little erratic one day and slow the next. 

 Flexibility for those all important appointments 

Let's face it, like any illness you need to get medical help if you want to make some sort of recovery. The mind is the same. I have CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it's an absolute godsend. I love having someplace to go, once a week, where I feel I'm making a positive impact on my mental illness.

The time and day I go for my sessions would be a nightmare to arrange in an office job. And think of all that sick leave ... possibly no sick pay ... No thank you. Even if I'm not functioning even 80% of the time at work, at least I am able to make it into my home studio around my appointments and know that no other time was needed to be taken off. 

Cry ugly, freely - and then pick yourself up

I probably spent around 70-90% of my time crying when my depression was at it's worst. 50% of that time was bent over my keyboard sorting my emails which were getting backlogged. But that is totally ok.

There was no Janet from HR pulling me out to try and motivate me to pull it together so I could carry on with my day, or risk of causing a scene in front of my colleagues. I could cry and cry at my desk, and when I was all spent with crying I could carry on with what I was doing without anyone else passing judgement on it. 

No crazy boss or superior-other hanging over you

It's hard at the best of times to get work done when you have someone breathing down your neck, but when your depression is making you function less than productive, and you work for a big corporation, that can be an issue.

Now I'm guilty of not adhering to this advice because part of my present problem is that my perfectionism makes me my own cruel and unforgiving boss, however if you are a freelancer who loves the freedom from being your own boss then relish in this fact.

The only deadlines and targets are your own, and you make your workload as heavy or light as you need it. You don't have a quota to reach for someone else's profit, you can just work to your own values and goals without destroying your mental wellbeing. 

No clean laundry? Not washed your hair in weeks? You're golden

Everyone always goes to the standard stereotype of a freelancer being someone who gets to work in their pyjamas all day, and frankly I resent it because I loathe working in my pyjamas. I always endeavour to get dressed like I'm going out to work because it puts me in a good headspace.

But when your headspace is pretty foggy and full of negative thoughts and feelings it can be a comfort to know that life can still go on from your desk, even if you're not dressed for it. And even if you have to have an anxiety induced Skype call with a client you can be rest assured that you only need to be dressed for an hour and then normal service can resume.  

Remind yourself: You're living the dream

When you're having the darkest days, remember that you are working a job that (hopefully) brings you joy and is your passion. I have days when I doubt what I doing, the career I've chosen and what it all means. I doubt the choices I'm making, and berate myself for bad ones. But the one thing that lifts the dark clouds is a gentle reminder of the jobs I left behind, the ones that didn't bring me creativity, joy or diversity, and that now I'm not living that life. I'm living a life where I get to draw everyday. And that's something pretty special right? 

Remember though, if you do work in an office or salaried environment you do have rights regarding your mental health, including the right to not work in an environment where there is stigma attached to mental health. 

Make sure you don't suffer in silence. Have at least 3 people who know the ins and outs of what's going on so you don't feel the need to carry the heavy burden alone, if you're working in an office or from home. See them as your lifelines and trust them with your personal information. It makes all the difference between isolation and recovery. 

And if you are suffering from any of the topics covered above, or know someone who is, there is plenty of support out there. Organisations like Mind and The Blurt Foundation  have tons of information on their websites to help guide you in perhaps finding treatment or for helping a loved one. 

Sending out all the good vibes (even to myself),

Deborah x

Be Brave, Not Perfect

Art print by Elise Blaha Cripe for the Get to Work Book. 

Ever had a month where work feels like it just is a relentless battle of one chaotic failure after another? That was the entirety of my March. Frankly, when April 1st hit I was glad to be out of that month believing I had some curse hanging over me.

It's pretty easy to displace the blame to other people, and even easier to look inwards and start blaming yourself too when things go wrong.

You didn't land that dream client because your works shit and therefore you are a pretty shit person. You had that fight with a close personal other because it's a reflection of how terrible you are. You haven't been paid in over a month because you're hopeless and you'll always be hopeless. See the picture? 

I recently watched an amazing TED talk from Reshmi Saujani titled 'Teach girls bravery, not perfection' and I started to become aware of something so blindingly obvious. 

How many of my failures have been a result of not being brave enough? Sorry, scrap that. How many times have I NOT attempted to fail because I haven't been brave enough? 

I've always been a massive perfectionist, to the point of reducing myself to tears if I believed I had not followed some homework instructions properly or not getting a piece of work right. It's always been in built into my personality, and because of that I don't usually take a lot of risks because I already perceive myself to have already failed even before I've tried. I have created these little safeguards which I use to protect myself from any possibility of being hurt. 

I think of what it is to be brave and just do and I see that the root of my current problems - creative block, lack of new work, loss of interest and belief in my illustrating capabilities - is because I seem to have forgotten what it is to try and be brave. To be open minded to a world of possibilities without having so many safeguards in place to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. 

In Reshma's talk she talks about the difference in how boys and girls are raised, how this has a profound effect on girls to seek perfectionism more so than boys, and when I look at my husband I can see where she is coming from. There is so much in him that I admire; courage, bravery, and the ability to just start things. I don't ever see him sitting in front of a blank sketchbook crippled with fear of doing rough drawings wrong, and if there's an opportunity for a new brief I don't see him losing his mind trying to figure out every minute detail.

Perhaps it's a gender thing, and perhaps boys are raised differently. That could be only a partial piece of a much greater puzzle. There are plenty of brave women (if anyone's been watching the new series of The Island you'll know who I'm on about) and there are plenty of perfectionist men. Perhaps the key lies in cultivating bravery in people, to teach everyone the value of not being afraid to fail. 

Failure is such a terrible word and I genuinely wish we could eradicate it from all vocabulary. Nothing good ever came from telling someone they were a failure, or from someone telling themselves that they are a failure. Nor does anything good come from people trying to avoid failure. 

Think back to school days and how disappointed you would feel to see the words FAIL on a test. This negative way of grading, of putting people into organised categories, shrinks the world and makes most people believe that they are limited. We know that there are people who break those limitations in the world, who never let those failures hold them back and who go on to do incredible things, but somehow that message might not get through to those few of us who just don't believe that we could ever be that brave. 

It's probably a storyline that will take a while to adapt and shift, but even if it's just one small thing every day that pushes your perfectionist limits to the brink, then that is a positive change. 

For me, I'm working on shedding my perfectionist ways (but not too much, I'm not a maniac) and trying to open my mind to the possibility that it's never too late to be brave and make a change. I've been making small changes to my work routine to try and cultivate more daring and free illustration and so far I'm already feeling a little less stifled. We can only hope that by May I will be an illustration anarchist...

Until then, I hope you all find bravery in the small day to day! 

Deborah x

5 lies you shouldn't tell yourself as a freelancer...

Working for yourself is an absolute dream. It can be all of the stereotypes that people associate with it such as working in your PJ's, having your own schedule, being able to get up whenever you want but it can also have it's downsides like any good job. 

I've been freelancing for 6 years now and these tips are just my own observations and experiences, all of which I've learnt to work with in order to thrive. I hope they help you too! 

1. "Everyone else seems to have it sussed out..."

Ever thought you'd spend a good half an hour browsing Pinterest to get inspiration for a new client or project only to feel like a complete failure after those 30 minutes are up? Yep, happens to me at least once a month! Trouble is we are all just seeing the highlight reels of everyone's lives, and the real truth is that nothing of what they have achieved came quick or easy. Take the analogy of the road, the journey - your freelance career is just as such. It might all seem straight and clear, but there may be forks in the road or winds and bends that take you to places you weren't expecting...that's the joy of the journey. It's the experience. You will suss it all out too one day, and if not, take comfort in knowing that someone out there is looking at your work and painfully pining that you have it all sussed out....

2. "I should say yes to every project"

This is a massive temptation especially when cashflow is dry, but ask yourself some simple questions and you should never really go too wrong:

1. Does this project align with my own ethos and working ethic? 
2. Does it actually pay my time? 
3. Are they asking for my creative talent, or for someone to copy someone else's work? 

I've had many experiences where I've been quite desperate for money to pay rent that I was considering getting paid a pittance, to copy someone else's style, to maybe pay a quarter of said rent. In the end I knew it was wrong and not what I wanted to be associated with. I politely declined the work to the client (albeit thinking I was an absolute lunatic at the time)  but within a few weeks a dream client came along. The universe knows and will always balance itself. Never sell yourself short. 

3.  "I should be working like [Insert amazing designer/illustrator/freelancer's name here]

Working like this will only bring you down and make you feel like a fraud. Live genuine and work genuine! If a client doesn't like your style and wants you to work like another illustrator/designer/freelancer, then they aren't your target market. Think about that for a moment, because the world is crammed full of 7.4 billion people and within all those bodies there will be someone who aligns themselves with the product you're offering. Sure, said amazing designer who you think you should work like is raking it in and has the big clients, but that is their story, not yours. Carve your own path and see what trails you can blaze. 

4. "I need to be working X amount a hours a day."

Did you know that the 9-5 working day was only introduced during the Industrial Revolution to prevent people working 15 hour days? Since then this has stuck, but there are people in the world who only work 4 hour days and still achieve a lot. There is no hard and fast rule for how you should work but only you know how you work best. If you know you can only do your best work in the AM then get up early and hustle. We're all individuals and we all function differently. 

Studies have shown that people tend to work best in 90 minute work cycles, so if you are struggling to get work done but not burn yourself out, try working 90 minutes then break for 20, and repeat. I personally work better when I set myself a target time to work to and see it as a challenge to see how much I can complete in that time. 

5. "When I'm not doing client work I'm not actually working." 

This one I am the WORST for. We all need to remember that we work in creative fields as freelancers. Our jobs need to be nurtured with development and inspiration. So you think that visiting a museum or reading a design magazine isn't working? I'm here to tell you to try and see it differently because this is essentially visual nourishment for your brain. 

How can you evolve and grow as a creative if you don't stay ahead of the curve? How can you bring innovative and exciting projects to clients if you don't go out into the world and drink in all it has to offer? Staying inside and furiously scanning the internet is one tool to finding inspiration, but you will find nothing better than out in the wild, on the streets, in a conversation with a likeminded friend or within the pages of a book you never thought you'd read. Most of my ideas have come to me when I'm not trying to be in work mode, when I'm relaxed and exploring. 

So give yourself a break. If drawing can become a paid job, that defies peoples perceptions of what a job is, then research is just another facet of that gem. 

Now it's over to you guys! Have you made any realisations within your self-employed or freelance career? Feel free to share them below or tweet them to me @deborahpanesar using the hashtag #freelancelies 

Deborah x

Does deleting your Facebook Page mean freelance suicide?

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I’m writing this blog post today to reach out to you, to help me process a question that I’ve been trying to get a handle on for the past year: Do I delete my Facebook business page or not?

It’s been a strange and winding road that has brought me to this place. A few years ago I would have been preaching loud and clear about how important it was to have a Facebook page, that it would be sheer madness to not have one at all. Sometimes I think about it and like some it’s sort of ex I suddenly have all these little feelings of nostalgia towards. But, like a terrible ex, there’s a reason why I simply have fallen out of love with it, and now I’m struggling to figure out a place for it within not only my life but also my work.

My anti-Facebook feelings have been progressively growing since around 2010, funnily enough right after graduating from University. Post-graduation is a funny time, especially if you don’t have a brand new job to go into straight after, where you’re trying to find your feet in a world where you’re not surrounded by other people, intensely, for the first time in 3 years. Facebook was my lifeline to a life that was slowly growing smaller in the distance, but it was also my self-harm tool. Scrolling through an endless stream of friends who had moved together to a new city, who had these amazing new jobs (in their degree field), who seemed to have figured it all out, was quite a painful experience when I was still working at Sainsburys, far from all of them.  

That’s when I began to hate logging on to the site. I could tell that it was unhealthy for me to be immersing myself in everyone’s ‘highlight’ reels. Doing so only made it harder for me to move on with my life, to build new friendships and social circles. I was just too wrapped up in everyone else’s lives rather than nurturing my own.  

So from that point on I started using Facebook for personal things less and less. I was strict myself, not allowing myself to scroll too much through the feed, or do a good Facebook stalk (come on, we’ve all been there) and if I did, to keep reminding myself that what these people were doing with their lives did not invalidate mine, or my achievements, in any way less important.

At this point I was LOVING my business page because it was giving me the voice I needed to get my business out there. My confidence towards my illustration work was growing because of the likes and shares, and I felt more comfortable posting through my business page than on my personal page. It was, in some sort of psychological way, allowing me to become the person I wanted to be.

But then there came Instagram. And Twitter. And a blog. And Linkedin. And all the many other social media sites. Before these platforms came around Facebook was the calling, especially after MySpace (sorry Tom!) and it was just the done thing; you had a Facebook, and if you have a business then you have a Page. People would say that to not have one was just madness. Really, the true madness is in the many, many platforms that you feel you must tend to.

One day I realized that I was feeling mentally exhausted from thinking of all this different content to share over so many platforms. I’m not a marketer, I’m an illustrator and should be tired from drawing, not social media. I started thinking ‘I need to lighten the load’ and when I even entertained the idea of getting rid of my Facebook Page I immediately felt myself back peddling.

“No, no, no that wouldn’t be wise” I would tell myself. “EVERYONE has Facebook and connects to it, so I would missing out a huge audience of people to share my work with. If I deleted it I would be shooting myself in the foot.”

And that is the general consensus amongst other self-employed people. Because being self-employed is part of the reason we need it: It’s a free resource to help promote your business. When I say it like that, in layman’s terms, I’m almost thinking that writing this blog post was pointless. I’ve nearly convinced myself to go back on my argument! BUT, plenty of people survived before Facebook. They found work, they promoted themselves and even better, they thrived. So why can’t this be possible in 2016?

There are no cut and dry rules to running your business. This can be a daunting prospect, which is probably why we all follow the same rule of thumb; website, Facebook, email, Twitter. Could we stray off the beaten track though?

I tried to find out.

Surprisingly there aren’t that many blog posts about not having a Facebook Page as a business, but what I did find started to get me back on the anti-Facebook bandwagon.

Freelance writer Alexandra Franzen has no social media profiles, and you know what? She’s thriving. Read her blog post about her decision and tell me if you don’t suddenly feel compelled to live a more authentic life.

There’s also some interesting (and revealing) points that I feel you should read over on the Kissmetrics blog. True, this is more pitched towards Marketers, but there’s a lot of valid reasons to NOT have a Facebook page within the post.

By this point in my ‘should I delete my Facebook?’ mental debate, I started to try and make lists of pro’s and con’s for it, to try and find a black and white formula to make my decision:

+ Facebook is a worldwide platform, which means anything I post has the potential for a global audience.
+ It allows people to contact me in other ways, other than email.
+ It keeps me up to date with other businesses that I love.
+ It helps me rank in Google.
+ I use it not just for my business but for my other responsibilities as an Etsy Team Leader.

-       It sucks out time in my day
-       It’s hard sometimes to have your posts seen by Facebook’s ever-changing algorithm.
-       It paints a bad picture of me if I don’t respond to private messages within 5 minutes (and then hastens to tell everyone about it…)
-       It takes people AWAY from my website, which has all my work and info.
-       It gives people too much opportunity to bash on your business online before you can help try and resolve an issue (this could be argued a good point, due to freedom of speech, but not necessarily nice if you’re trying to build an image for yourself and haven’t been given the chance to help that customer.)
-       Fans don’t actually mean clients. I have never had a client find me through Facebook.
-       Lest we forget the endless adverts…

It’s clear I have more negative than positive feelings towards it, so I tried a new tactic: Look at my stats and see if it is actually working to engage fans; well, all I see every week are red numbers and arrows pointing down. These don’t make me feel inspired to try and improve them, they just make me feel exhausted because they’re almost trying to say ‘you need to invest MORE TIME into this!’

I simply don’t have more time – in a literal sense of my workday, and in a metaphorical sense for my life. When I think about Alexandra’s ‘life-minutes’ phrase it actually makes me freak a little. I would hate to calculate how much time I’ve probably wasted trawling through Facebook, setting up posts, trying to engage people. I could have been creating new work, making new things, connecting with real live human beings, nourishing my mind and just experiencing life. Instead I feel I am buried inside a world of stats, algorithms, scheduled posts and constantly checking to see how many likes it’s gotten.

Perhaps it’s my attitude towards it that needs to change, or perhaps I’m just becoming a crotchety old woman in a world that’s moving forward. This isn’t a decision that I want to take lightly (it’s taken me years to build up the loyal following I have!) and I am plagued with ‘what if’s’ and fears around the actual deleting of the account; will my fans not be bothered about my work anymore? Will the action itself reflect poorly on me? Will I lose business?

But there is still that little part of me that is definitely trying hard to take the plunge and move forward. Perhaps I am not the crotchety old woman I think I am, perhaps not having a Facebook is the new way forward? Is this the last era for Facebook, with the likes of Instagram and Snapchat taking the fore? Or am I just investing too much energy into a decision that should be as easy as simply deleting it?

I know many brave creative’s who don’t use social media at all and to them I take my hat off. I still pertain that social media does, and will always, have a role in our modern world, however I’m not sure I want Facebook in my social media picture. Alex Mather’s (of Red Lemon Club) advises in his book How to Get Illustration Clients, to have all social media profiles but invest your energy into one that works for you. For him that’s Twitter, and his following is strong, believe me.

I’m not sure writing this has drawn me any closer to a conclusion, but I put it to any of you who are freelancers, self-employed, small business owners or creative’s: Do you think there is a way of running a business without Facebook?

You can either drop me a comment below or even email me directly – I would love to hear your thoughts and would be ever more grateful if they help bring me closer to some sort of decision!

In the meantime, I wish you all a happy and healthy social media week

Deborah x

Favourite wellbeing apps at the moment...

Happy 1st March!

It's a new month, which means the chance to start some new habits for the month! Because I've been assigning a new resolution to achieve per month, I have decided to make March all about getting enough H20. Why is that important? Well, aside from being the purest life giver on this earth (seriously, I'm not joking) it's been proven to reduce headaches, improve attention, reduce hunger and even prevent wrinkles - all of that plus it's free. It truly is one of our best resources on the planet, so I thought I would try and stick to the 2 litre a day rule.

Like all things I throw myself into, I wanted an app to help me. If you hadn't realised yet I absolutely love helpful apps - I've got my Strava for all my running, my On Trees app to show all my bank accounts in one place & budget plus my coveted Dominos app for when hunger strikes. So seeing as I have so many I thought I would share my top 3 that I have been using, starting with my latest free app download...

Waterlogged - FREE

I've been using the app for a few days now and I absolutely LOVE it. It's the simplest way of logging your water intake and has the loveliest user interface. It has set containers with their volume measurements that you can use, or add your own containers.

As you log your water intake the bottle fills, and what's more neat is that the water in the bottle on the screen tilts when you tilt your phone. Awesome! The app also syncs to your Apple Health (if you have iPhone) so you can see the full data on there with anything else you've recorded. It's a free app so it's nothing to try!

Nothing fills me with more nerdy pleasure than seeing the confetti on the screen when I reach my 2 litre goal for the day, despite the fact that for the past few days I have needed to wee SO much. 

It's also been quite a revealing app - The first day of recording what I drank was abysmal. I realised that I didn't drink enough, especially when I'm working on lots of commissions because I tend to just drink tea like it's going out of fashion, so it's really given me a good kick in the rear to try and stay hydrated more. 

Come back to me at the end of March to see if my hydration plan has made me more attentive, less wrinkly and headache free!

Headpsace - FREE for 10 days, payment plans thereafter

After going on a meditation retreat last year I was determined to keep the practise going when I got home - but I kept finding reasons and excuses to not do it. Partly I really struggled because I liked the guided meditations that we had on retreat, and at home I couldn't really re-do that. So when I discovered Headspace I was beyond excited to get back on my meditation game. 

The app is so painfully lovely I get distracted sometimes by the amazing animations and graphics that have been designed, and Andy's voice, well, that is so soothing I could seriously just listen to him on repeat all day long. I think this app is awesome for anyone who has never tried meditation as it's free 10 day foundation course really covers the basics such as how to sit properly, how to count the breaths and even what to do should unruly thoughts pop on by.

The animations that come with it help illustrate Andy's points and make the practise plain and simple, not some mystical and difficult hobby. 

After the 10 day free trial you can then choose to pay for the remainder meditations which I have gone for. You can pay monthly at £9.99, or yearly which works out cheaper monthly however is a bigger outlay. Discount codes do come by often so make sure you sign up to the mailing list if you've downloaded the app! I purchased the yearly bundle with 3 months free thanks to those handy discount codes. 

Knowing that the app is counting how many days in a row I'm meditating, and even the total number of hours, are great motivators for me to make sure I'm doing it for at least 10 minutes a day. After the foundation course they have heaps of meditation courses available to help with everything from anxiety to sleep, pregnancy to creative block, plus quick ones for situations where you may be having a meltdown and need a quick fix.

Hear and Now App - FREE

This smart little app is also a new addition, and it will blow you away. 

The simply premise is that it's an app to help you be mindful, to help you breathe through stress. I haven't delved too deeply into it yet but what I've used so far has been really insightful. 

The app uses your camera and flash on the back of your phone to measure your heartbeat. As you rest your finger cover the camera and flash, the app with register your heart rate and then ask you to follow the inhale/exhale commands on screen. It will read your heart rate before and after the exercise to see how well it's slowed your heart rate down. I was lying in bed when I was doing this, not stressed in the slightest, but a few minutes doing this and my heart rate had significantly slowed down. It even measured how complex my heartbeats were and how well my heart rate could be controlled. Mind. Blown.

This little app is on my speed dial app list for any time that I might suddenly be feeling very stressed, and coupled with Headspace I should be a totally horizontal woman by the end of 2016. 

If you're a health app freak like me, I'd love to hear about it! Do you have any apps that help you stay on track with your physical and mental health? Drop them in the comments below!

Deborah x

Keeping that fear 'edge'

For the past week or so I've been working my way through my HUGE box of business cards which I've been collecting for 4 years, inputting each and every one of them into a new spreadsheet database. You might think I'm a little mad for doing this time consuming, and let's be honest, inanely tedious job but it's all part of the process I've started since reading Alex Mather's e-book How To Get Illustration Clients. 

I've been working on creating, nurturing and building my database of contacts, one business card typed into Google Docs at a time. BUT, I'm not writing this post to subtly promote Alex's book, or brag at my awesome patience (which isn't that awesome, I promise) but, to tell you about a discovery I made that really struck me whilst going through these business cards;

All of this can end at any moment. 

Now, I don't mean in the morbid sense, although you wouldn't be wrong with making that connection too. What I'm on about is freelance business, creative business, art careers, that can all come to end in a quicker fashion that it may have taken to create. The amount of cards I went through who either were no longer doing that line of work (illustration, surface design, tailoring, design etc) or simply did not exist on the internet any longer took me quite by surprise. 

It had the same tang of when you discover an old school friends-father's-long-lost-cousin had died - you don't know that person at all, in fact you probably never met them, but you acknowledge there is a loss there and that someone was somebody's something; Aunt, Uncle, Niece, sibling whatever. For me, it's the same thing. These people's business cards don't hold much sentimental value in my life, but I can't help but wonder what's happened to these people. Are they ok? What happened for them to no longer be doing that line of work? All those long hard years of working, just gone. They were someones illustrator, photographer, designer, copywriter. 

I can see how this may seem a little dramatic , however when you work for yourself you sometimes can forget that in the midst of the hard slog of seeking out clients, networking, marketing, generating work and still trying to earn a regular bit of money, some creative or freelancer, somewhere, had the plug pulled on their dream of a creative career. And that's a sobering thought.

I have no idea what the circumstances are for these creatives who I met many years ago - they may possibly be on to bigger and better things, situations that suit their circumstances better, but I can't help but feeling immense gratitude for still hanging on to my dream, even if sometimes it feels like I'm just hanging on from my fingernails. 

One day, I may find myself in a situation where I need to make a hard decision and I cant stop myself from imagining someone, somewhere, finding my business card after 4 years, Googling me only to find that I exist no longer on the internet. The very thought makes me a little sweaty because I absolutely refuse to let that happen.

But that's the feeling you want. Really!

If you're like me and still hustling your career then I think it's healthy to have a little fear to keep you from being complacent. I tend to work 1000% harder, doing things that I find uncomfortable and loathsome, when I'm low on clients and money. But what if I applied this fear edge to when I'm actually ticking over nicely? Imagine the work generated! 

I have a lot of business cards left to wade through, but I can tell you that I'm getting through them faster than ever before now that I remember what I need to do to prevent my future business card self ending up in a recycling bin graveyard.

Before I head off for an evening of Walking Dead and pizza (because Walking Dead gives me another type of fear and pizza is my comfort) I want to leave you with a question: If you saw your career as your lifeline, how tight would you hold onto to save yourself from drowning? 

As always, I'm keen to hear your thoughts! How do you keep yourself from being complacent in your career? How does it make you feel to imagine never doing your dream job ever again? Feel free to drop your comments below or tweet me!

Deborah x

New Year(s) Resolutions

How many of you made resolutions on December 31st, eagerly awaiting the midnight strike with lots of hopeful wishes for how you were going to be the most awesome-productive-human-being-that-can-achieve-it-all-no-sweat? And how many of you are still working on those resolutions, 40 days into 2016? 

Resolutions are hard, and they're also a sure fire cruel way to beat you down and make you feel pretty useless. That's how most of my 2015 felt - another chip of disappointment after another chip of disappointment after setting myself limitless goals such as 'get new clients' and 'be found online.' I didn't want my 2016 to end up the same way my 2015 felt (which is a resolution in itself, right?!) so I found some inspiration through the guru of simplicity Leo Babauta. His book, The Power of Less goes into the secret behind his success in losing weight, quitting smoking, becoming a marathon runner, quitting his job and creating a life and business that makes him happy. The secret, I'm sure you're dying to know, lies on the simple premise of applying a habit for 30 days. 

If you're feeling cheated, let me explain - It's been proven by scientists that it takes 30 days in order for us human beings to form a new habit that we are likely to stick to. Using this parameter, Leo Babauta applied himself to a new habit, 30 days at a time. So how does this come into resolution making? Well, on December 31st 2015 I decided I was going follow in Leo's footsteps and create 12 resolutions for the year, doing one resolution for a month until it sticks.

I'd love to show off and say that I've planned my entire year ahead, but I just haven't. I'm kind of winging it as I go along! All I knew was that January was dedicated to meditating for 10 minutes every day, and February would be to trying to kick the white stuff (sugar, not Coke). So far my plan as worked brilliantly - of course there have been days when I missed a meditation and when somehow I've ended up with 2 teaspoons of sugar in my tea when visiting a friends, rather than none, but that's just life.

The kinder I am to myself about working through these small challenges, the more likely I am able to feel like I have achieved something. The 30 day rule is a great kindness that you can offer yourself because it only asks of you one thing; just to commit to 30 days. Once those 30 days are up, it's up to you to decide whether you're going to keep the new resolution or not, and if you're not bothered by it and it's just taking up a shelf in your mental library, then by all means, mentally throw it away and start new. 

The aim of this exercise to help liberate you from the constraints that making resolutions can do to you; getting it right first time, never allowing yourself to slip up, never being realistic with yourself. That last one was a game changer for me. Remember my previous years goal of 'get new clients' and 'be found online' - these are undefinable goals (be found online? Where do you begin!) and although they're not unattainable there's no clear form or way to achieve them.

Instead of simply shooting for moon, spend some time planning the stages to climb there. 

In our Nottingham Etsy team we had a great discussion post about this very topic of goal setting, which I highly recommend you read. I also suggest taking a look at Elise Blaha Cripe's Get To Work book which is a physical accompaniment to help you goal set on a micro level. I use mine for everything, not just business, and it helps me stay on track with my own resolutions and goals. 

I'm looking forward to seeing how my year turns out, and all the new habits I may have learned along the way. If you fancy joining me, feel free to drop me a line and let me know how you're finding your monthly challenges. Alternatively, let me know if you've been setting resolutions and how you've been finding it so far! 

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop - Confucius 

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As always, have a happy week

Deborah x

Illustration as Meditation

A big HOORAH as this is not only the first official day of launching my new website but also my first post on my new integrated swanky blog! For my first post I wanted to talk about 2 of my greatest passions and what it means to have them work together.

I discovered illustration 10 years ago and meditation 10 months ago, however it’s only in the past few months that I’ve actually started to appreciate a unique correlation between the two.

Work in Flow

The idea started to form when I began re-reading Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.  Mihaly discovered the concept of ‘flow’, a highly concentrated mental state where time vanishes and other external factors do not distract us. When we are totally absorbed in what we are doing, present and accounted for, we find joy and happiness even in the most challenging and uncomfortable of situations.

The very words of being ‘present’ and ‘concentrated’ are also associated with meditation and mindfulness. I’ve had only two meditative experiences where I have been completely lost in the breaths, in being aware of my body and the environmental sounds around me. So much so it took me a while to come out of that calm state.

This exact experience has also happened when I’ve had a very challenging or complicated illustration to complete and I’ve found that my mind isn’t necessarily blank or empty, but it’s simply being. Observing. Letting me just work and peacefully letting external brain chatter diminish.

Creating a Practise

The more I started to notice it, the more I actually started to cultivate it. Like a meditive practise. Letting my mind have those doubtful or scared thoughts pop in if work isn’t going right and simply letting them be, acknowledging them, and moving forward with my work.

Allowing myself to keeping pushing through with it no matter how busy or crowded my thoughts were getting, I wouldn’t let them paralyse me from making progress.

Now I apply all that I’ve learnt so far from meditation and use it in my illustration practise. Here are some ways you can do it too:

1. Have you ever been too scared to start a piece of work?

We’ve been there, and it’s not fun. Acknowledge that, take a step back and focus on your breaths to help you just begin. Every meditation practise starts the same. As a human you can’t go from 0-60 and expect for it to work. Much like getting comfortable and emptying your mind before a meditation, do this before starting a new project.  

2. If you’re working and not necessarily gripped with what you’re doing, you may feel your mind start to wander to checking your phone, Facebook or googling the first curious thought that pops into your head.

Once again, take a step back and let those feelings be.

Once you’ve brought your mind back to the task at hand begin again by listening to your breath, external music (if that helps you work) or even just sounds around you. I personally love rainy days as those are my most productive. I have the window open and just listen to the rain, it’s the natural white noise I need to stay focussed.

3. Like a timed meditation practise, time your illustration work.

Set a timer for 60 minutes knowing that afterwards you can go make a tea, check your phone or step outside for a moment. Work, and meditation, flows better when you make structured time rather than loose and unstructured promises.

4. Have regular moments where you become mindful of that present moment.

Perhaps you’ve had a terrible email, or you’ve been having a string of bad luck with work and you’re feeling lack lustre with it.

Take a moment to mindfully stock take everything that you have in your life at that very minute; a loving husband or wife, a warm home filled with your own treasures, a wonderful text message from a friend. It can be a cliché, but if you’re sincere with it you’ll find that those negative interruptions in your day are not worthy of your energy when you have a lot of things to be grateful for.  

Keep Practising!

Practising these four simple steps will open a whole heap of benefits for you, much like meditation too. 

You may feel yourself become less stressed as you work, that the number of times you have negative thoughts in the day will diminish, or simply that you will have more mental energy to tackle other problems. Whatever the benefit, meditation is a proven practise for improving mental and physical health. It’s saved me from many years of depression and anxiety, and I work hard every day to work on at least 10 minutes of meditation.

If you find that right now 10 minutes is not a possibility, try the above steps to integrate meditation into your workday. Sometimes the simple act of just stopping in your tracks before your thoughts runaway with you is a good starting point in feeling empowered with your emotions.  

Now it’s over to you guys!

How do you stay focussed and calm in your workday? Do you work to a meditation practise or do you find other methods work just as well? Please leave your comments below to start the conversation or if you feel like spreading the word feel free to tweet and share below.

Deborah  

Extra Tools:

• Download the Headspace app for free and try ten minutes of meditation a day for 10 days!
• Read The Little Book Of Mindfulness for pocket sized pick-me-ups. 
• Listen to guided meditations thanks to Free Buddhist Audio - download them to your phone or mp3 player and plug in for instant meditations.