Mental Health as an Illustrator and Mother // Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week

Freelancing and motherhood. What a rollercoaster it has been so far.

I often have people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it, working from home with a toddler!” or “you must be so disciplined to get any work done at home, I’d be so distracted”. And yes, a lot of that is true and is also extremely flattering.

The thing is, I am a complete imposter, because you see the problem is I am not nailing it one bit. One human being (or should I say woman because let’s face it, this isn’t necessarily an issue for all working men…) cannot be 100% full time working and 100% full time mum.

Those are two separate full time jobs, in their own right, and the maths doesn’t work. So what happens is the inevitable; comparison, guilt, feelings of failure and then the ‘all expected but not expected at all because you’ve been lying to yourself’ crash.

I had mine back in September/October. I may have been portraying that I was nailing this working mum malarky all over the internet (because I’m just as guilty of doing that as anyone else), like a multi-armed goddess, but really I was at the start of what was to be a sharp downward arc. I had come off my meds so myself and my husband could have another baby, and whilst I was only on a low dose anyway I was not prepared for how I would feel just coming off that mixed with the hormonal tsunami that consumed me with getting pregnant.

I felt ill. Not just mentally, but physically, like I had never experienced with Ophelia. Having both the mental and physical battering made my mum guilt multiply when I couldn’t play with Ophelia the same, or couldn’t make it out the house. Then the work guilt would kindly join in when I didn’t feel I could sit at my desk and work, or have the mental capacity to open an email.

Comparison was often rife when I would see other mums just being totally amazing and not complaining one single bit. Mum’s who had it much worse than me, or more children, or more work pressures. Single mums, and mums on lower incomes. Mums with unsupportive partners or distanced family.

I’d sit there and think, “woman, what’s wrong with you? You have a very supportive and loving husband, family all around, a gorgeous toddler and another healthy baby on the way. A freelance career you’ve worked hard for. A house you own. What could you possibly be feeling sad about?”

But I just was. I didn’t feel good enough, or worthy of anyone’s time or attention. I didn’t feel special, or interesting, or that any of my feelings were valid.

Because that’s what happens when you tell yourself something enough times; you actually believe it.

With the help of my perinatal support worker, my MBCT group, my family and close friends and even my pregnancy yoga class, I’ve managed to make it to the 8 1/2 month mark in pregnancy. I’m feeling pretty battered and bruised from the journey to get here (let’s throw in my dad getting sick and going to hospital, Ophelia going to A&E, heavy work loads, and of course lockdown and a pandemic…) but remarkably, I’m still going.

I am anything but stubborn.

A lot has been acceptance, which I’ve only managed to achieve through time, space, meditation, journalling, talking to my loved ones and (within lockdown rules) getting out in the sun and walking it out. The pandemic has stripped me of a lot of things that used to help me cope and manage my mood, but it’s also shown me that I can be adaptable and I can weather it.

Depression and anxiety when you have kids, as well as running your own business, can feel like the worst thing to befall you because it’s up to you to keep your shit together, to be accountable, to make sure you get up so you can play with your kid. I’d feel this pressure to be sure I was on top of everything, despite how I was feeling. To put dinner on the table. To answer that important email or fulfil that order because it’s got to go to the Post Office.

I used to worry constantly that the way I am would affect Ophelia, would rub off on her and make her unhappy, but honestly what I see in her is total compassion. When I’m having a bad day, or just a really good cry, she comes over and she gives me her bunnies to soothe me. She’ll say “It’s ok mummy, Flossy will make you feel better and then your tears can go”.

She’s seen all emotions, not just the super shiny positive ones, and I’m starting to think that’s actually a really good thing. It allows her to be sad and to feel whatever feelings she has. It gives her the permission to feel whatever she needs to, no judgement, and the amazing thing is the sooner she acknowledges how she’s feeling the quicker she moves on from it.

Honestly, we could all be more like a three year old in some ways.

I’m not ‘cured’ and I’ve stopped expecting that this will be something I will get rid of completely. It’s just something I have to manage the best I can, and hopefully once the pandemic is over the coping mechanisms that used to help me manage my thoughts and mood can be put back in place; seeing friends and family, long walks out in the countryside and plenty of adventures.

Maybe I’ll go back on meds once baby is born, maybe I’ll just need a new form of therapy. I can make those decisions once he’s earth side and we’ve settled into our new family of four.

So I’m really writing this for any of you who are struggling, silently or with the aid of our amazing NHS. For anyone who has ever felt like they are just the worst mother ever, or that they haven’t got it all together and they should. For those who feel like a failure because they chose to work over staying at home, or because they chose to stay at home and not work. For any of you juggling and wondering when you will ever be able to do one job 100%. And I’m writing this for me too, because I need to hear it(and remind myself) just as much that I am worthy of good things too.

Remember:

You’re doing great.

Just keep going.

Deborah x

If you ever feel that life, and stuff, is getting too much there are some amazing people out there who you can talk to if you feel that you can’t talk to friends and family. PANDA’S Foundation have a free phone line you can call 0808 1961 776, as well as the Samaritans who you can contact on 116 123. Of course your GP will be there too to help and guide you, so please seek help if you’re struggling.

7 Tips for Freelancing with a Toddler in Tow

Photography by Daniel Hughes

Imagine you have a colleague at work who relentlessly needs your attention, messes up your keyboard (which makes your laptop freeze), is beyond filthy and has no personal boundaries? Working from home with a toddler is pretty much like this. In a shared office environment this person would probably have to visit HR but when your office is a corner, or at best a room, in your own home, you’ve got to somehow manage these tiny whirlwinds of energy!

It’s only after 18 months of tears, frustration and stamping feet (and I’m not on about my own toddler…) that I’ve been able to find ways to get through a day where emails have been answered and projects get completed. Here are my top 7 tips should you be on the verge of shipping your own tiny human off…

ONE / Work smarter, not faster

Since having Ophelia and having to really re-work my daily routine to accommodate her and work (which has shown me how actually un-adaptable I can actually be!) I genuinely can’t believe how little I got done before I had her. There’s something about having a 2-3 hour window everyday that gives you some serious laser focus; there’s no time to idle away on Instagram or claim you’re ‘researching’ when you’re head first in a Pinterest rabbit hole.

Nope, you’ve got to be pretty stern with yourself and get that list written out with the top priorities for those few hours. I’m on about important emails (deleting old ones can be done in ad breaks in the evening in front of the TV), making those phone calls that give you the hebe jeebies, cracking on with illustration projects.

The other stuff, the stuff I like to call the ‘chuff’ of being freelance can be done after it’s the little persons bedtime. Invoices need filing? Inbox need clearing? Social media posts need scheduling? Yep, those are perfect ‘sofa jobs’ which don’t require excellent daylight (if you’re an artist) or a desk.

You’ll be amazed with what you can achieve when you limit yourself to just a few hours!

TWO / Work around their schedule

This kind of ties in with the previous tip, but get to know your little person’s routine and make it work for you. If they have a regular time of day when you know they’ll get sleepy, then plan to get your work done in that nap time window.

I know I can’t get any work done when Ophelia is awake (save for a few orders but that is all she can tolerate before boredom hits!) so I always make sure that the time we spend together is just us time. And should it just be the activities we do exert her to the point of tiredness around her nap time then that’s a good coincidence too…

Don’t get me wrong - she’s not a robot and 50% of the time I’m winging it because the day just hasn’t planned out like I thought it would. That’s having children in a nutshell, but I just make sure I catch up when lights are out, which leads me on to…

THREE / You may have to become a night owl

I’ve always labelled myself a lark, and thought that I could only work in the morning and was a useless lump of lethargy by the afternoon. Well, let me tell you that’s just a story I used to tell myself. I’ve had no choice but to become a bit of a night owl since having Ophelia because there are days when there is no opportunity for me to sit down and focus on my work.

Sure I can post to Instagram or answer an email here and there whilst she’s awake, but the stuff that requires my full attention I can save till the evening now when she’s tucked up in bed resting.

FOUR / Get those boundaries in place

I’m very lucky to have a whole room as my studio in our house. A small corner of it does have some toys and a teepee for Ophelia to play in when I’m in there sorting orders but for the rest of the time it’s an out of bounds room. Aside from the fact that her little hands seem to manage to destroy everything in sight in the space of seconds, I want her to understand that that space is my work room and that the things that are in there (my laptop, stock, clients work) is very important and can’t be touched.

The joy of working for yourself is that you don’t have to adhere to strict hours, or dress code or office location, but sometimes there needs to be some boundaries so others can respect that what you do isn’t just a hobby (and I’m not just talking about kids here) and is in fact an important job.

FIVE / Be open and honest with your clients

There’s going to be a day when your child won’t nap, and they won’t just entertain themselves with a film for a few hours, and basically it will feel like they are out to destroy any plans you had for your day. Honesty is the best policy here.

I’ve had a few scheduled client calls which I’ve booked to be during Ophelia’s nap time and of course she’s decided to stay awake to mix all the play dough together (very important job). She’s at an age now where she does have a little understanding that when I’m on the phone, she needs to do her best ‘whispering voice’, however her mind loses focus quickly and so I may at best get 5 minutes with my client uninterrupted.

It’s best to just manage everyone’s expectations and be honest with your client. A very polite disclaimer at the beginning of your call or meeting to explain your situation, and to apologise in advance for any interruption will go a long way to helping ease any discomfort when your darling child starts to pipe up. 90% of the time clients are parents too, and they understand the trials and tribulations that come with it.

Still, it does make you die a little when it happens as you worry that it makes you look totally unprofessional. In that case, make sure you can book any extremely high profile client calls on a day when maybe your little human is out of the house and is screaming down someone else’s.

SIX / Make use of your Village

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I honestly believe that. We’re very fortunate to live close to our parents, all of whom are more than happy to watch Ophelia for me. Whether it’s for a whole day, or even just a morning, I am privileged to have that time carved out to just get work done.

And besides, it brings them joy too.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There is nothing weak about it. You are a human, and you can’t do it all (as much as the media may tell you otherwise). Some work commitments and projects just need an empty house, and you don’t need to justify yourself to anyone.

If you don’t have the luxury of family nearby, why not ask a friend who has kids as well? Maybe one of the NCT mums you met when you were pregnant? Either way it makes a great playdate for your children, and great way for you to get your to do list completed. You can always return the favour to your pal another day and in turn give them a chance to a child free day!

SEVEN / Remember the amazing advantage you have…

In the end, it’s important to remember that not everyone gets to spend as much time with their kids when they’re young. Working from home with kids is hard, and it can be frustrating, but remember that you get to see more of the milestones than those parents who work outside the home.

You have this golden opportunity to be there for all the firsts, to hear them string new sentences together, and to enjoy things like going to the park/soft play/cafes/other fun stuff that you can’t do in an office. These young formative years can go so quickly, and to be a big presence in them is very important and musn’t be overlooked.

I hope these tips help in your journey into the world of freelancing and parenting simultaneously. If you have your own life saving tips I would love to hear them! Feel free to drop them in the comments below and hopefully it will help any other freelance parents out there!

Let's keep making mistakes!

It's been one year since I proclaimed from the rooftops (well, my Tumblr page) that I was going to stop working on my business and to instead pursue designing and illustrating full time.

Reading through this post (which for some reason makes me cringe and want to delete it forever from the eyes of the internet) I can recall so vividly how burnt out, tired and quite dejected I was feeling about the whole thing. The 'tipping point' part of that whole post was true - something needed to change in order to for me to change how I felt.  

12 months on, what can I tell you?

Well, I did not succeed in making this dream a total reality. I'm here to tell you today that I did not end up making not a particularly smart business / life / wellbeing decision that I only realised the other day.

And I feel so damn positive about the whole thing.

Genuinely, I have never been more ecstatic than realising I had made this mistake. I felt it in my entire body, this happy revelation, that I gave it a damn hard try, and no one can take that away from me. I slogged the year, I trialled and boy did I error. I made some monumental fuck ups, some of which are embarrassing and some of which are truly teachable moments. 

Bathe in the glory of your fuck-ups, embarrassment and face-palm-worthy errors because these are your sign posts and slip roads to a new direction. 

Some of you might be curious how I came to this state of delusional bliss where I seemingly lost my mind in the many fuck-ups and laughed? It's quite boring really - but I did some sales forecasting. 

I kid you not - I spent two days (out of curiosity more than anything) making a detailed year on year comparison of my sales from 2013-2016, which I'll explain below. I've made a template of the model I created should you wish to embark on this mind-numbingly revelation-worthy task [NOTE: remember to save a copy of it, not input your information directly onto it, as it's a public Google Sheet and all your financial information will be shared with everyone which is not good]. 

The madness first started after reading this super helpful Etsy Blog article, to try and forecast Christmas sales for my shop. And when the results were tallied, all the information from each months revenue and number of sales input into my spreadsheet, I sat back and thought, damn, I underestimated the power of my wonderful little illustrated business. 

So then I went off a tangent and I pulled up ALL my accounts for the same timeframe (2013-2016) and started inputting all my revenue information, month by month, year by year, to start painting a picture of what my year on year sales were like. I even went as far as to break this down into the each revenue stream, so I could get a better idea of where my money was coming from. 

And when all of that was done, I sat back and looked at the cold hard evidence which only number crunching can give you - and I realised a number of things: 

1. I made decisions last year based on feelings and not on financial evidence. 
2. I did not appreciate what I had till I stopped doing it. 
3. I busted some serious ass this year, and although it wasn't my strongest from a money point of view, it's been the smartest I worked in a long time.

Who knew that all this meaning could come from something as mundane as sales forecasting? Admittedly there are heaps of businesses who do this every year, and are probably wondering why I never got on with this before, and you're right. I'm a little late to this smart financial forecasting party. But I'm here now and I'm loving it. 

I'm geared up and I'm positive about where to take my illustrated business.

I'm excited to get back into making and designing products to sell. I can't wait to head out into the world again to meet my customers face to face at craft fairs and events. I'm looking forward to the thrill and the anxiety of launching new ranges and approaching stockists and being so fully immersed once more in the designer maker world. 

It's been a learning curve this year working solely as a freelance illustrator whilst my shop took a bit of a backseat - and I've been so grateful for all the projects, commissions and opportunities that came my way. I've learned so much about how I work, function and thrive as an illustrator, and I'm excited to come back to normal business as it was pre 2016. 

Most importantly however, the one thing I've learned that I feel you should take with you from this moment on after reading this: Embrace how much this may also be a fuck-up. 

No great business ever grew or became the power-house they are without taking some wrong turns; trusting the wrong people, investing money in the wrong thing or even taking their business down a route that maybe wasn't such a good idea. Mistakes = progress and progress is better than sitting and waiting for it all to happen. 

So before I leave you to go out into the world and embrace all your error-making ways, that only a human can do, I want to leave you with a profound quote from Amanda Palmer:

““Everyone in this room is going to be gone pretty quickly — and we will have either made something or not made something. The artists that inspire me are the ones that I look at and go, ‘Oh my god — you didn’t have to go there. It would’v been safer not to — but, for whatever reason, you did.’ And every time death happens, I’m reminded that it’s stupid to be safe… Usually, whatever that is — wherever you don’t want to go, whatever that risk is, wherever the unsafe place is — that really is the gift that you have to give.””

— Amanda Palmer via Brain Pickings

Read the full article that this quote was taken from, 'Vincent Van Gogh on Fear, Taking Risks, and How Making Inspired Mistakes Moves us Forward' by Brain Pickings and also take some time to watch this incredible interview with Grace Bonney, the owner of Design*Sponge, on Marie Forleo's blog entitled 'Overcoming Fear, Accepting Imperfection, and the Real Deal with Work Life Balance.'

Now I'd like to hear about your monumental fuck-ups that you're grateful for (if you have anything, perfect human) - leave them in the comments below or tweet them to me @deborahpanesar

Keep up the trial and error and don't be ashamed to shout about it. 

Freelancing and Depression

There's a lot about freelancing which just shouldn't make sense to help depression. In fact, a lot of the elements that make up working from home, or for yourself, can be strong contributors to depression and anxiety; lack of human contact, unusual work hours and the ever ebb and flow of money have certainly been things that have contributed to my own depression. 

There is however this unique and hidden gift lying under the crying snotty panic and fear riddled mess you seem to become when you have depression, and that is that freelancing can be your saviour. 

I'm not trying to sell the notion that it will cure depression and anxiety, trust me, there is no sure fire cure. The cure is unfortunately inside yourself. However, from my experience freelancing has given me the rare opportunity to dust myself off and begin the ascent back to a world where you don't lose your shit over not cooking a risotto correctly (This has actually happened. I'll talk about that some other time.) 

So I present to you the top 6 elements of working for yourself that can help you in your depression:

 You can work to your schedule

Whether that is an emotional schedule, physical schedule, or an actual work load that needs to be handled, you have the flexibility to fit everything in to your day the way you want. The 9-5 grind is merciless and unforgiving to your sudden feelings of hopelessness that could crop up mid-meeting or even on an idle visit to the photocopier.

When you work from home you can work to the beat of your own drum, even if that drum is beating a little erratic one day and slow the next. 

 Flexibility for those all important appointments 

Let's face it, like any illness you need to get medical help if you want to make some sort of recovery. The mind is the same. I have CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it's an absolute godsend. I love having someplace to go, once a week, where I feel I'm making a positive impact on my mental illness.

The time and day I go for my sessions would be a nightmare to arrange in an office job. And think of all that sick leave ... possibly no sick pay ... No thank you. Even if I'm not functioning even 80% of the time at work, at least I am able to make it into my home studio around my appointments and know that no other time was needed to be taken off. 

Cry ugly, freely - and then pick yourself up

I probably spent around 70-90% of my time crying when my depression was at it's worst. 50% of that time was bent over my keyboard sorting my emails which were getting backlogged. But that is totally ok.

There was no Janet from HR pulling me out to try and motivate me to pull it together so I could carry on with my day, or risk of causing a scene in front of my colleagues. I could cry and cry at my desk, and when I was all spent with crying I could carry on with what I was doing without anyone else passing judgement on it. 

No crazy boss or superior-other hanging over you

It's hard at the best of times to get work done when you have someone breathing down your neck, but when your depression is making you function less than productive, and you work for a big corporation, that can be an issue.

Now I'm guilty of not adhering to this advice because part of my present problem is that my perfectionism makes me my own cruel and unforgiving boss, however if you are a freelancer who loves the freedom from being your own boss then relish in this fact.

The only deadlines and targets are your own, and you make your workload as heavy or light as you need it. You don't have a quota to reach for someone else's profit, you can just work to your own values and goals without destroying your mental wellbeing. 

No clean laundry? Not washed your hair in weeks? You're golden

Everyone always goes to the standard stereotype of a freelancer being someone who gets to work in their pyjamas all day, and frankly I resent it because I loathe working in my pyjamas. I always endeavour to get dressed like I'm going out to work because it puts me in a good headspace.

But when your headspace is pretty foggy and full of negative thoughts and feelings it can be a comfort to know that life can still go on from your desk, even if you're not dressed for it. And even if you have to have an anxiety induced Skype call with a client you can be rest assured that you only need to be dressed for an hour and then normal service can resume.  

Remind yourself: You're living the dream

When you're having the darkest days, remember that you are working a job that (hopefully) brings you joy and is your passion. I have days when I doubt what I doing, the career I've chosen and what it all means. I doubt the choices I'm making, and berate myself for bad ones. But the one thing that lifts the dark clouds is a gentle reminder of the jobs I left behind, the ones that didn't bring me creativity, joy or diversity, and that now I'm not living that life. I'm living a life where I get to draw everyday. And that's something pretty special right? 

Remember though, if you do work in an office or salaried environment you do have rights regarding your mental health, including the right to not work in an environment where there is stigma attached to mental health. 

Make sure you don't suffer in silence. Have at least 3 people who know the ins and outs of what's going on so you don't feel the need to carry the heavy burden alone, if you're working in an office or from home. See them as your lifelines and trust them with your personal information. It makes all the difference between isolation and recovery. 

And if you are suffering from any of the topics covered above, or know someone who is, there is plenty of support out there. Organisations like Mind and The Blurt Foundation  have tons of information on their websites to help guide you in perhaps finding treatment or for helping a loved one. 

Sending out all the good vibes (even to myself),

Deborah x

5 lies you shouldn't tell yourself as a freelancer...

Working for yourself is an absolute dream. It can be all of the stereotypes that people associate with it such as working in your PJ's, having your own schedule, being able to get up whenever you want but it can also have it's downsides like any good job. 

I've been freelancing for 6 years now and these tips are just my own observations and experiences, all of which I've learnt to work with in order to thrive. I hope they help you too! 

1. "Everyone else seems to have it sussed out..."

Ever thought you'd spend a good half an hour browsing Pinterest to get inspiration for a new client or project only to feel like a complete failure after those 30 minutes are up? Yep, happens to me at least once a month! Trouble is we are all just seeing the highlight reels of everyone's lives, and the real truth is that nothing of what they have achieved came quick or easy. Take the analogy of the road, the journey - your freelance career is just as such. It might all seem straight and clear, but there may be forks in the road or winds and bends that take you to places you weren't expecting...that's the joy of the journey. It's the experience. You will suss it all out too one day, and if not, take comfort in knowing that someone out there is looking at your work and painfully pining that you have it all sussed out....

2. "I should say yes to every project"

This is a massive temptation especially when cashflow is dry, but ask yourself some simple questions and you should never really go too wrong:

1. Does this project align with my own ethos and working ethic? 
2. Does it actually pay my time? 
3. Are they asking for my creative talent, or for someone to copy someone else's work? 

I've had many experiences where I've been quite desperate for money to pay rent that I was considering getting paid a pittance, to copy someone else's style, to maybe pay a quarter of said rent. In the end I knew it was wrong and not what I wanted to be associated with. I politely declined the work to the client (albeit thinking I was an absolute lunatic at the time)  but within a few weeks a dream client came along. The universe knows and will always balance itself. Never sell yourself short. 

3.  "I should be working like [Insert amazing designer/illustrator/freelancer's name here]

Working like this will only bring you down and make you feel like a fraud. Live genuine and work genuine! If a client doesn't like your style and wants you to work like another illustrator/designer/freelancer, then they aren't your target market. Think about that for a moment, because the world is crammed full of 7.4 billion people and within all those bodies there will be someone who aligns themselves with the product you're offering. Sure, said amazing designer who you think you should work like is raking it in and has the big clients, but that is their story, not yours. Carve your own path and see what trails you can blaze. 

4. "I need to be working X amount a hours a day."

Did you know that the 9-5 working day was only introduced during the Industrial Revolution to prevent people working 15 hour days? Since then this has stuck, but there are people in the world who only work 4 hour days and still achieve a lot. There is no hard and fast rule for how you should work but only you know how you work best. If you know you can only do your best work in the AM then get up early and hustle. We're all individuals and we all function differently. 

Studies have shown that people tend to work best in 90 minute work cycles, so if you are struggling to get work done but not burn yourself out, try working 90 minutes then break for 20, and repeat. I personally work better when I set myself a target time to work to and see it as a challenge to see how much I can complete in that time. 

5. "When I'm not doing client work I'm not actually working." 

This one I am the WORST for. We all need to remember that we work in creative fields as freelancers. Our jobs need to be nurtured with development and inspiration. So you think that visiting a museum or reading a design magazine isn't working? I'm here to tell you to try and see it differently because this is essentially visual nourishment for your brain. 

How can you evolve and grow as a creative if you don't stay ahead of the curve? How can you bring innovative and exciting projects to clients if you don't go out into the world and drink in all it has to offer? Staying inside and furiously scanning the internet is one tool to finding inspiration, but you will find nothing better than out in the wild, on the streets, in a conversation with a likeminded friend or within the pages of a book you never thought you'd read. Most of my ideas have come to me when I'm not trying to be in work mode, when I'm relaxed and exploring. 

So give yourself a break. If drawing can become a paid job, that defies peoples perceptions of what a job is, then research is just another facet of that gem. 

Now it's over to you guys! Have you made any realisations within your self-employed or freelance career? Feel free to share them below or tweet them to me @deborahpanesar using the hashtag #freelancelies 

Deborah x

Keeping that fear 'edge'

For the past week or so I've been working my way through my HUGE box of business cards which I've been collecting for 4 years, inputting each and every one of them into a new spreadsheet database. You might think I'm a little mad for doing this time consuming, and let's be honest, inanely tedious job but it's all part of the process I've started since reading Alex Mather's e-book How To Get Illustration Clients. 

I've been working on creating, nurturing and building my database of contacts, one business card typed into Google Docs at a time. BUT, I'm not writing this post to subtly promote Alex's book, or brag at my awesome patience (which isn't that awesome, I promise) but, to tell you about a discovery I made that really struck me whilst going through these business cards;

All of this can end at any moment. 

Now, I don't mean in the morbid sense, although you wouldn't be wrong with making that connection too. What I'm on about is freelance business, creative business, art careers, that can all come to end in a quicker fashion that it may have taken to create. The amount of cards I went through who either were no longer doing that line of work (illustration, surface design, tailoring, design etc) or simply did not exist on the internet any longer took me quite by surprise. 

It had the same tang of when you discover an old school friends-father's-long-lost-cousin had died - you don't know that person at all, in fact you probably never met them, but you acknowledge there is a loss there and that someone was somebody's something; Aunt, Uncle, Niece, sibling whatever. For me, it's the same thing. These people's business cards don't hold much sentimental value in my life, but I can't help but wonder what's happened to these people. Are they ok? What happened for them to no longer be doing that line of work? All those long hard years of working, just gone. They were someones illustrator, photographer, designer, copywriter. 

I can see how this may seem a little dramatic , however when you work for yourself you sometimes can forget that in the midst of the hard slog of seeking out clients, networking, marketing, generating work and still trying to earn a regular bit of money, some creative or freelancer, somewhere, had the plug pulled on their dream of a creative career. And that's a sobering thought.

I have no idea what the circumstances are for these creatives who I met many years ago - they may possibly be on to bigger and better things, situations that suit their circumstances better, but I can't help but feeling immense gratitude for still hanging on to my dream, even if sometimes it feels like I'm just hanging on from my fingernails. 

One day, I may find myself in a situation where I need to make a hard decision and I cant stop myself from imagining someone, somewhere, finding my business card after 4 years, Googling me only to find that I exist no longer on the internet. The very thought makes me a little sweaty because I absolutely refuse to let that happen.

But that's the feeling you want. Really!

If you're like me and still hustling your career then I think it's healthy to have a little fear to keep you from being complacent. I tend to work 1000% harder, doing things that I find uncomfortable and loathsome, when I'm low on clients and money. But what if I applied this fear edge to when I'm actually ticking over nicely? Imagine the work generated! 

I have a lot of business cards left to wade through, but I can tell you that I'm getting through them faster than ever before now that I remember what I need to do to prevent my future business card self ending up in a recycling bin graveyard.

Before I head off for an evening of Walking Dead and pizza (because Walking Dead gives me another type of fear and pizza is my comfort) I want to leave you with a question: If you saw your career as your lifeline, how tight would you hold onto to save yourself from drowning? 

As always, I'm keen to hear your thoughts! How do you keep yourself from being complacent in your career? How does it make you feel to imagine never doing your dream job ever again? Feel free to drop your comments below or tweet me!

Deborah x

Illustration as Meditation

A big HOORAH as this is not only the first official day of launching my new website but also my first post on my new integrated swanky blog! For my first post I wanted to talk about 2 of my greatest passions and what it means to have them work together.

I discovered illustration 10 years ago and meditation 10 months ago, however it’s only in the past few months that I’ve actually started to appreciate a unique correlation between the two.

Work in Flow

The idea started to form when I began re-reading Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.  Mihaly discovered the concept of ‘flow’, a highly concentrated mental state where time vanishes and other external factors do not distract us. When we are totally absorbed in what we are doing, present and accounted for, we find joy and happiness even in the most challenging and uncomfortable of situations.

The very words of being ‘present’ and ‘concentrated’ are also associated with meditation and mindfulness. I’ve had only two meditative experiences where I have been completely lost in the breaths, in being aware of my body and the environmental sounds around me. So much so it took me a while to come out of that calm state.

This exact experience has also happened when I’ve had a very challenging or complicated illustration to complete and I’ve found that my mind isn’t necessarily blank or empty, but it’s simply being. Observing. Letting me just work and peacefully letting external brain chatter diminish.

Creating a Practise

The more I started to notice it, the more I actually started to cultivate it. Like a meditive practise. Letting my mind have those doubtful or scared thoughts pop in if work isn’t going right and simply letting them be, acknowledging them, and moving forward with my work.

Allowing myself to keeping pushing through with it no matter how busy or crowded my thoughts were getting, I wouldn’t let them paralyse me from making progress.

Now I apply all that I’ve learnt so far from meditation and use it in my illustration practise. Here are some ways you can do it too:

1. Have you ever been too scared to start a piece of work?

We’ve been there, and it’s not fun. Acknowledge that, take a step back and focus on your breaths to help you just begin. Every meditation practise starts the same. As a human you can’t go from 0-60 and expect for it to work. Much like getting comfortable and emptying your mind before a meditation, do this before starting a new project.  

2. If you’re working and not necessarily gripped with what you’re doing, you may feel your mind start to wander to checking your phone, Facebook or googling the first curious thought that pops into your head.

Once again, take a step back and let those feelings be.

Once you’ve brought your mind back to the task at hand begin again by listening to your breath, external music (if that helps you work) or even just sounds around you. I personally love rainy days as those are my most productive. I have the window open and just listen to the rain, it’s the natural white noise I need to stay focussed.

3. Like a timed meditation practise, time your illustration work.

Set a timer for 60 minutes knowing that afterwards you can go make a tea, check your phone or step outside for a moment. Work, and meditation, flows better when you make structured time rather than loose and unstructured promises.

4. Have regular moments where you become mindful of that present moment.

Perhaps you’ve had a terrible email, or you’ve been having a string of bad luck with work and you’re feeling lack lustre with it.

Take a moment to mindfully stock take everything that you have in your life at that very minute; a loving husband or wife, a warm home filled with your own treasures, a wonderful text message from a friend. It can be a cliché, but if you’re sincere with it you’ll find that those negative interruptions in your day are not worthy of your energy when you have a lot of things to be grateful for.  

Keep Practising!

Practising these four simple steps will open a whole heap of benefits for you, much like meditation too. 

You may feel yourself become less stressed as you work, that the number of times you have negative thoughts in the day will diminish, or simply that you will have more mental energy to tackle other problems. Whatever the benefit, meditation is a proven practise for improving mental and physical health. It’s saved me from many years of depression and anxiety, and I work hard every day to work on at least 10 minutes of meditation.

If you find that right now 10 minutes is not a possibility, try the above steps to integrate meditation into your workday. Sometimes the simple act of just stopping in your tracks before your thoughts runaway with you is a good starting point in feeling empowered with your emotions.  

Now it’s over to you guys!

How do you stay focussed and calm in your workday? Do you work to a meditation practise or do you find other methods work just as well? Please leave your comments below to start the conversation or if you feel like spreading the word feel free to tweet and share below.

Deborah  

Extra Tools:

• Download the Headspace app for free and try ten minutes of meditation a day for 10 days!
• Read The Little Book Of Mindfulness for pocket sized pick-me-ups. 
• Listen to guided meditations thanks to Free Buddhist Audio - download them to your phone or mp3 player and plug in for instant meditations.