Mental Health as an Illustrator and Mother // Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week

Freelancing and motherhood. What a rollercoaster it has been so far.

I often have people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it, working from home with a toddler!” or “you must be so disciplined to get any work done at home, I’d be so distracted”. And yes, a lot of that is true and is also extremely flattering.

The thing is, I am a complete imposter, because you see the problem is I am not nailing it one bit. One human being (or should I say woman because let’s face it, this isn’t necessarily an issue for all working men…) cannot be 100% full time working and 100% full time mum.

Those are two separate full time jobs, in their own right, and the maths doesn’t work. So what happens is the inevitable; comparison, guilt, feelings of failure and then the ‘all expected but not expected at all because you’ve been lying to yourself’ crash.

I had mine back in September/October. I may have been portraying that I was nailing this working mum malarky all over the internet (because I’m just as guilty of doing that as anyone else), like a multi-armed goddess, but really I was at the start of what was to be a sharp downward arc. I had come off my meds so myself and my husband could have another baby, and whilst I was only on a low dose anyway I was not prepared for how I would feel just coming off that mixed with the hormonal tsunami that consumed me with getting pregnant.

I felt ill. Not just mentally, but physically, like I had never experienced with Ophelia. Having both the mental and physical battering made my mum guilt multiply when I couldn’t play with Ophelia the same, or couldn’t make it out the house. Then the work guilt would kindly join in when I didn’t feel I could sit at my desk and work, or have the mental capacity to open an email.

Comparison was often rife when I would see other mums just being totally amazing and not complaining one single bit. Mum’s who had it much worse than me, or more children, or more work pressures. Single mums, and mums on lower incomes. Mums with unsupportive partners or distanced family.

I’d sit there and think, “woman, what’s wrong with you? You have a very supportive and loving husband, family all around, a gorgeous toddler and another healthy baby on the way. A freelance career you’ve worked hard for. A house you own. What could you possibly be feeling sad about?”

But I just was. I didn’t feel good enough, or worthy of anyone’s time or attention. I didn’t feel special, or interesting, or that any of my feelings were valid.

Because that’s what happens when you tell yourself something enough times; you actually believe it.

With the help of my perinatal support worker, my MBCT group, my family and close friends and even my pregnancy yoga class, I’ve managed to make it to the 8 1/2 month mark in pregnancy. I’m feeling pretty battered and bruised from the journey to get here (let’s throw in my dad getting sick and going to hospital, Ophelia going to A&E, heavy work loads, and of course lockdown and a pandemic…) but remarkably, I’m still going.

I am anything but stubborn.

A lot has been acceptance, which I’ve only managed to achieve through time, space, meditation, journalling, talking to my loved ones and (within lockdown rules) getting out in the sun and walking it out. The pandemic has stripped me of a lot of things that used to help me cope and manage my mood, but it’s also shown me that I can be adaptable and I can weather it.

Depression and anxiety when you have kids, as well as running your own business, can feel like the worst thing to befall you because it’s up to you to keep your shit together, to be accountable, to make sure you get up so you can play with your kid. I’d feel this pressure to be sure I was on top of everything, despite how I was feeling. To put dinner on the table. To answer that important email or fulfil that order because it’s got to go to the Post Office.

I used to worry constantly that the way I am would affect Ophelia, would rub off on her and make her unhappy, but honestly what I see in her is total compassion. When I’m having a bad day, or just a really good cry, she comes over and she gives me her bunnies to soothe me. She’ll say “It’s ok mummy, Flossy will make you feel better and then your tears can go”.

She’s seen all emotions, not just the super shiny positive ones, and I’m starting to think that’s actually a really good thing. It allows her to be sad and to feel whatever feelings she has. It gives her the permission to feel whatever she needs to, no judgement, and the amazing thing is the sooner she acknowledges how she’s feeling the quicker she moves on from it.

Honestly, we could all be more like a three year old in some ways.

I’m not ‘cured’ and I’ve stopped expecting that this will be something I will get rid of completely. It’s just something I have to manage the best I can, and hopefully once the pandemic is over the coping mechanisms that used to help me manage my thoughts and mood can be put back in place; seeing friends and family, long walks out in the countryside and plenty of adventures.

Maybe I’ll go back on meds once baby is born, maybe I’ll just need a new form of therapy. I can make those decisions once he’s earth side and we’ve settled into our new family of four.

So I’m really writing this for any of you who are struggling, silently or with the aid of our amazing NHS. For anyone who has ever felt like they are just the worst mother ever, or that they haven’t got it all together and they should. For those who feel like a failure because they chose to work over staying at home, or because they chose to stay at home and not work. For any of you juggling and wondering when you will ever be able to do one job 100%. And I’m writing this for me too, because I need to hear it(and remind myself) just as much that I am worthy of good things too.

Remember:

You’re doing great.

Just keep going.

Deborah x

If you ever feel that life, and stuff, is getting too much there are some amazing people out there who you can talk to if you feel that you can’t talk to friends and family. PANDA’S Foundation have a free phone line you can call 0808 1961 776, as well as the Samaritans who you can contact on 116 123. Of course your GP will be there too to help and guide you, so please seek help if you’re struggling.

The Art of Living (and Blogging) Slowly

It's taken me a while to dust off the old blog and begin getting into sharing posts with you lovely lot again. I've had so much I've wanted to share, but as always, not so much of time going around these days. 

Since I last blogged there's been some pretty big changes around here. There is now a baby, a 10 month old baby, careering about like a little drunk person whilst she's learning to walk. And although I've been back at work full time for the past 3 months I've only just got a handle on things. 

The biggest takeaway from it all is just to keep things s l o w. 

Having Ophelia has made me understand now that I literally cannot be everything to everyone, and I simply cannot do everything all at once. So I'm choosing to live slow this year, and that is the only resolution I'm making. 

The funny thing is now that I'm choosing to go slow, I'm finding that things are actually getting done. They might not be completed in the lightning quick fashion I usually want them done, but they're getting done. Not perfected, but done. 

And I'm actually illustrating more for pleasure, rather than getting bogged down with the admin and the emails and the accounts and the algorithms and the Pinterest trawl. When you suddenly lose all the time you had before, you really come to appreciate and treasure the rare time that you do have when you're not being something to someone. 

So if you're finding yourself starting this year frantically trying to accomplish all your goals by February 1st, take a breath, be rebellious and just say fuck it. 

If you're trying to sprint to the finish line, you'll miss the view on the way. 

Rambling notes on not feeling good enough

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

— Theodore Roosevelt

Lately I've been working myself to a strict set of to-do lists to try and fit in all the work I want to accomplish before starting my maternity leave.

I've been pretty chuffed with how well I've been hitting those targets; completing photoshoots, listing new products, re-working my wholesale catalogue, building a brand new e-commerce site and sorting out lots of niggly little behind the scenes things that essentially I want fixed and sorted before my leave. 

Nothing gives me more satisfaction than marking a little 'x' next to those completed tasks. I feel like a total champion of the to-do list world.  

But there's been a problem. 

It just doesn't feel like I've done them good enough, or even that anybody particularly cares about them. Launching my brand new shop didn't get the excited response I was hoping for; Re-photographing my entire product range hasn't had any effect on my sales or customer engagement; releasing new products hasn't yielded any sales or interest. 

The past week, as I finish my work and switch off my mac at the end of the day, I sit back, and wonder, 'what am I missing?'. I get this exasperated, defeatist sensation roll over me where I just want the universe to tell me why I'm not good enough.

I beg to someone, somewhere, to just give me the answer so I can stop living in this purgatory where I'm running on this treadmill of work ethic to try and get something back, something tangible, other than the occasional double tap or spammy account telling me how to get more followers.  

It sounds so whingey to sit here typing this. Trust me when I tell you that I'm trying really hard not to delete this whole section. But, honestly, there are times in self-employment when you're surrounded by the constant drip feed of others accolades, that you wonder why you just didn't go and find any old job.

Why put yourself through this constant misery of self-loathing and heartache, with no financial gain, or financial security?  

I poured my heart, soul and energy into all of these projects. I researched design trends, popular products and raked through surveys that I've had my own customers complete. I'm doing everything all the freelance blogs tell you to do; I've read all the books on marketing; I've even started to target my posts to be shared at times of the day when people are actually online. Which is more boring than admirable I'm sure. 

But there seems to me to be no bite. 

Maybe my work just isn't engaging anymore.

Maybe I'm just not good enough to do this anymore. 

Maybe I'm mining for my gold in all the wrong places.

Maybe I'm being a whiny little grunt about the whole thing. 

And maybe these are things that will take a bit more time to gain traction in the online sales world, and that I need to put my patient hat on and accept the lot I am given. 

I know how many sparkly emoji's I put out there on my social media, promoting positivity and upbeat posts about my work. But I'm writing this today to show you that I'm working hard on the facade I've created because I don't want any of you to know that I'm a fraud - it's not all sparkly emoji's behind the scenes. There's actually a lot of self-doubt, rumination, worry, panic and fear.

I'm struggling to make ends meet.

I'm battling feelings of being a failure and a let down because the clock is almost at 0 and what I had hoped to achieve, I haven't, and I feel like that's letting my daughter down. 

And there really isn't a good enough emoji to express all these feelings. 

Except maybe crying tear emoji, but that just feels too banal. 

If this is just TMI for you and you're wondering why this mad woman is baring her soul, and financial status, for the world to read, then I'm sorry you've had to sit and read through this. There is no follow up post (currently planned) to share my Rocky-esque rise to glory, against the odds. The odds are currently here, and I don't have a crystal ball to know when or how it will all get better.

But I've read enough Rocky-esque rise-to-glory styled books to know that this is all just my journey. I'm hoping that the winds of change will soon blow in my direction, that my scepticism will be proven wrong and that there may be a few days when the feeling of not being good enough will fade enough to give me the courage to keep on the journey I've chosen. 

And if you're still hanging around after this post, to join me on it too and feel the courage to share your truth as well. 

Let's keep going guys xo

Illustrators for Mental Health

©Annie Dornan Smith.

Purchase Illustrated Affirmation print via anniedornansmithdesign.co.uk

It's World Mental Health Day, and in celebration of a cause that's quite close to my heart I wanted to share something that combines two aspects of my life; illustration and mental health. 

Here are some of my favourite illustrators bringing to life how it feels some days to live with a mental health illness:

Gemma Correll

Image by Gemma Correll

Fellow graduate from Norwich University of the Arts, Gemma Correll is a British illustrator, writer and comic artist living and working in California. She creates humorous and accurate depictions of what it's like to live with clinical anxiety and depression, and has even written a book entitled The Worriers Guide to Life documenting her candid and hilarious depictions of overthinking in an anxiety riddled world. 

“The illustrations were all inspired by my own anxieties and neuroticisms ... I suffer from clinical anxiety and depression and I find that the best way to deal with it is to find humour in it.

I honestly think that humour can be a saviour at times of distress or, if you just live with a constant level of anxiety and depression like I do. ”

— Gemma Correll for Mashable

Emily Coxhead

©Emily Coxhead 

This notebook is the first thing I ever came across from Emily Coxhead, photographer, illustrator and designer based in Chorley, UK. Her work is a fuel injection of positivity and warmth, particularly her creation The Happy Newspaper which she funded through Kickstarter. 

“I wanted to create something that celebrated people, their kindness and recognised the magic in people we walk past and know nothing about, the ‘everyday heroes’. I realised there are so many people going through difficult times, from tiny things to humongous, life-changing things. I thought if I could help in a small way through my letters, scribbled notes and silly little drawings, I could maybe make a few people smile and remind them that things will get better.

The simple idea was: there should be a newspaper that does the opposite of all the current newspapers, one that celebrates what’s good in the world and is cool and colourful to look at.”

— Emily Coxhead for Asos

María Sanoja

©María Sanoja

Brooklyn based artist María Sanoja was mindlessly walking down a street, over-thinking, when she bumped into this exact a-frame. What happened from that moment on was a project that would reveal the amazing contrast between our everyday surroundings and truly the analogue that runs through our minds. 

“I was overthinking, as usual, when I bumped into this blackboard outside a café that I pass by every day. I realized that I’m often so absorbed in my own thoughts that I miss the simple, beautiful things that surround me. My overthinking often keeps me from being present.

For 100 days, I will make an effort to be here and now. I will get out of my own head to see what I have been missing. Each day, I will draw something that I notice around me, and I will pair it with whatever it is that I’m overthinking, in an attempt to be more aware and learn to let go.”

— María Sanoja

Marissa Betley

Artist Marissa Betley's incredible 1 in 4 project is another 100 day illustrated project to help raise awareness of mental health issues which occur, as the project's name so aptly describes, to 1 in 4 adults in their lifetime. The artist interviewed a range of people with varying disorders that include depression and schizophrenia, describing on her website, "these people are our family members, our friends, our co-workers and our neighbours. Love and support makes all the difference."

“Each story has been unique and I have been incredibly inspired by the constant thread of courageousness and bravery showcased by everyone I have interviewed ... It’s not easy to open up about these things, so I am very grateful to all who have contributed in the name of helping others.

What has been most shocking to me is the more I talk about mental health, it seems everyone can relate to the topic, yet so few are talking about it.
”

— Marissa Betley for The Daily Mail Online

Siobhan Gallagher 

©Siobhan Gallagher

New York based illustrator and designer Siobhan Gallagher, uses her amazing Instagram account (@siogallagher) to share her illustrations that try to de-myth the 'polished' look of the Instagram life, a world we all think is real but is truly not reality. 

“We’re imperfect, scared, anxious and depressed – but we’re willing to share and relate to others ... Some social media accounts are so curated and polished to make it seem like people are living perfect lives with perfectly posed experiences and bodies, and that’s just not interesting ... I’d rather share my interior life through drawing, because those thoughts are more real and relatable.”

— Siobhan Gallagher for Stylist.co.uk

Freelancing and Depression

There's a lot about freelancing which just shouldn't make sense to help depression. In fact, a lot of the elements that make up working from home, or for yourself, can be strong contributors to depression and anxiety; lack of human contact, unusual work hours and the ever ebb and flow of money have certainly been things that have contributed to my own depression. 

There is however this unique and hidden gift lying under the crying snotty panic and fear riddled mess you seem to become when you have depression, and that is that freelancing can be your saviour. 

I'm not trying to sell the notion that it will cure depression and anxiety, trust me, there is no sure fire cure. The cure is unfortunately inside yourself. However, from my experience freelancing has given me the rare opportunity to dust myself off and begin the ascent back to a world where you don't lose your shit over not cooking a risotto correctly (This has actually happened. I'll talk about that some other time.) 

So I present to you the top 6 elements of working for yourself that can help you in your depression:

 You can work to your schedule

Whether that is an emotional schedule, physical schedule, or an actual work load that needs to be handled, you have the flexibility to fit everything in to your day the way you want. The 9-5 grind is merciless and unforgiving to your sudden feelings of hopelessness that could crop up mid-meeting or even on an idle visit to the photocopier.

When you work from home you can work to the beat of your own drum, even if that drum is beating a little erratic one day and slow the next. 

 Flexibility for those all important appointments 

Let's face it, like any illness you need to get medical help if you want to make some sort of recovery. The mind is the same. I have CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it's an absolute godsend. I love having someplace to go, once a week, where I feel I'm making a positive impact on my mental illness.

The time and day I go for my sessions would be a nightmare to arrange in an office job. And think of all that sick leave ... possibly no sick pay ... No thank you. Even if I'm not functioning even 80% of the time at work, at least I am able to make it into my home studio around my appointments and know that no other time was needed to be taken off. 

Cry ugly, freely - and then pick yourself up

I probably spent around 70-90% of my time crying when my depression was at it's worst. 50% of that time was bent over my keyboard sorting my emails which were getting backlogged. But that is totally ok.

There was no Janet from HR pulling me out to try and motivate me to pull it together so I could carry on with my day, or risk of causing a scene in front of my colleagues. I could cry and cry at my desk, and when I was all spent with crying I could carry on with what I was doing without anyone else passing judgement on it. 

No crazy boss or superior-other hanging over you

It's hard at the best of times to get work done when you have someone breathing down your neck, but when your depression is making you function less than productive, and you work for a big corporation, that can be an issue.

Now I'm guilty of not adhering to this advice because part of my present problem is that my perfectionism makes me my own cruel and unforgiving boss, however if you are a freelancer who loves the freedom from being your own boss then relish in this fact.

The only deadlines and targets are your own, and you make your workload as heavy or light as you need it. You don't have a quota to reach for someone else's profit, you can just work to your own values and goals without destroying your mental wellbeing. 

No clean laundry? Not washed your hair in weeks? You're golden

Everyone always goes to the standard stereotype of a freelancer being someone who gets to work in their pyjamas all day, and frankly I resent it because I loathe working in my pyjamas. I always endeavour to get dressed like I'm going out to work because it puts me in a good headspace.

But when your headspace is pretty foggy and full of negative thoughts and feelings it can be a comfort to know that life can still go on from your desk, even if you're not dressed for it. And even if you have to have an anxiety induced Skype call with a client you can be rest assured that you only need to be dressed for an hour and then normal service can resume.  

Remind yourself: You're living the dream

When you're having the darkest days, remember that you are working a job that (hopefully) brings you joy and is your passion. I have days when I doubt what I doing, the career I've chosen and what it all means. I doubt the choices I'm making, and berate myself for bad ones. But the one thing that lifts the dark clouds is a gentle reminder of the jobs I left behind, the ones that didn't bring me creativity, joy or diversity, and that now I'm not living that life. I'm living a life where I get to draw everyday. And that's something pretty special right? 

Remember though, if you do work in an office or salaried environment you do have rights regarding your mental health, including the right to not work in an environment where there is stigma attached to mental health. 

Make sure you don't suffer in silence. Have at least 3 people who know the ins and outs of what's going on so you don't feel the need to carry the heavy burden alone, if you're working in an office or from home. See them as your lifelines and trust them with your personal information. It makes all the difference between isolation and recovery. 

And if you are suffering from any of the topics covered above, or know someone who is, there is plenty of support out there. Organisations like Mind and The Blurt Foundation  have tons of information on their websites to help guide you in perhaps finding treatment or for helping a loved one. 

Sending out all the good vibes (even to myself),

Deborah x