Mental Health as an Illustrator and Mother // Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week
Freelancing and motherhood. What a rollercoaster it has been so far.
I often have people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it, working from home with a toddler!” or “you must be so disciplined to get any work done at home, I’d be so distracted”. And yes, a lot of that is true and is also extremely flattering.
The thing is, I am a complete imposter, because you see the problem is I am not nailing it one bit. One human being (or should I say woman because let’s face it, this isn’t necessarily an issue for all working men…) cannot be 100% full time working and 100% full time mum.
Freelancing and motherhood. What a rollercoaster it has been so far.
I often have people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it, working from home with a toddler!” or “you must be so disciplined to get any work done at home, I’d be so distracted”. And yes, a lot of that is true and is also extremely flattering.
The thing is, I am a complete imposter, because you see the problem is I am not nailing it one bit. One human being (or should I say woman because let’s face it, this isn’t necessarily an issue for all working men…) cannot be 100% full time working and 100% full time mum.
Those are two separate full time jobs, in their own right, and the maths doesn’t work. So what happens is the inevitable; comparison, guilt, feelings of failure and then the ‘all expected but not expected at all because you’ve been lying to yourself’ crash.
I had mine back in September/October. I may have been portraying that I was nailing this working mum malarky all over the internet (because I’m just as guilty of doing that as anyone else), like a multi-armed goddess, but really I was at the start of what was to be a sharp downward arc. I had come off my meds so myself and my husband could have another baby, and whilst I was only on a low dose anyway I was not prepared for how I would feel just coming off that mixed with the hormonal tsunami that consumed me with getting pregnant.
I felt ill. Not just mentally, but physically, like I had never experienced with Ophelia. Having both the mental and physical battering made my mum guilt multiply when I couldn’t play with Ophelia the same, or couldn’t make it out the house. Then the work guilt would kindly join in when I didn’t feel I could sit at my desk and work, or have the mental capacity to open an email.
Comparison was often rife when I would see other mums just being totally amazing and not complaining one single bit. Mum’s who had it much worse than me, or more children, or more work pressures. Single mums, and mums on lower incomes. Mums with unsupportive partners or distanced family.
I’d sit there and think, “woman, what’s wrong with you? You have a very supportive and loving husband, family all around, a gorgeous toddler and another healthy baby on the way. A freelance career you’ve worked hard for. A house you own. What could you possibly be feeling sad about?”
But I just was. I didn’t feel good enough, or worthy of anyone’s time or attention. I didn’t feel special, or interesting, or that any of my feelings were valid.
Because that’s what happens when you tell yourself something enough times; you actually believe it.
With the help of my perinatal support worker, my MBCT group, my family and close friends and even my pregnancy yoga class, I’ve managed to make it to the 8 1/2 month mark in pregnancy. I’m feeling pretty battered and bruised from the journey to get here (let’s throw in my dad getting sick and going to hospital, Ophelia going to A&E, heavy work loads, and of course lockdown and a pandemic…) but remarkably, I’m still going.
I am anything but stubborn.
A lot has been acceptance, which I’ve only managed to achieve through time, space, meditation, journalling, talking to my loved ones and (within lockdown rules) getting out in the sun and walking it out. The pandemic has stripped me of a lot of things that used to help me cope and manage my mood, but it’s also shown me that I can be adaptable and I can weather it.
Depression and anxiety when you have kids, as well as running your own business, can feel like the worst thing to befall you because it’s up to you to keep your shit together, to be accountable, to make sure you get up so you can play with your kid. I’d feel this pressure to be sure I was on top of everything, despite how I was feeling. To put dinner on the table. To answer that important email or fulfil that order because it’s got to go to the Post Office.
I used to worry constantly that the way I am would affect Ophelia, would rub off on her and make her unhappy, but honestly what I see in her is total compassion. When I’m having a bad day, or just a really good cry, she comes over and she gives me her bunnies to soothe me. She’ll say “It’s ok mummy, Flossy will make you feel better and then your tears can go”.
She’s seen all emotions, not just the super shiny positive ones, and I’m starting to think that’s actually a really good thing. It allows her to be sad and to feel whatever feelings she has. It gives her the permission to feel whatever she needs to, no judgement, and the amazing thing is the sooner she acknowledges how she’s feeling the quicker she moves on from it.
Honestly, we could all be more like a three year old in some ways.
I’m not ‘cured’ and I’ve stopped expecting that this will be something I will get rid of completely. It’s just something I have to manage the best I can, and hopefully once the pandemic is over the coping mechanisms that used to help me manage my thoughts and mood can be put back in place; seeing friends and family, long walks out in the countryside and plenty of adventures.
Maybe I’ll go back on meds once baby is born, maybe I’ll just need a new form of therapy. I can make those decisions once he’s earth side and we’ve settled into our new family of four.
So I’m really writing this for any of you who are struggling, silently or with the aid of our amazing NHS. For anyone who has ever felt like they are just the worst mother ever, or that they haven’t got it all together and they should. For those who feel like a failure because they chose to work over staying at home, or because they chose to stay at home and not work. For any of you juggling and wondering when you will ever be able to do one job 100%. And I’m writing this for me too, because I need to hear it(and remind myself) just as much that I am worthy of good things too.
Remember:
You’re doing great.
Just keep going.
Deborah x
If you ever feel that life, and stuff, is getting too much there are some amazing people out there who you can talk to if you feel that you can’t talk to friends and family. PANDA’S Foundation have a free phone line you can call 0808 1961 776, as well as the Samaritans who you can contact on 116 123. Of course your GP will be there too to help and guide you, so please seek help if you’re struggling.
Illustrators for Mental Health
It's World Mental Health Day, and in celebration of a cause that's quite close to my heart I wanted to share something that combines two aspects of my life; illustration and mental health.
Here are some of my favourite illustrators bringing to life how it feels some days to live with a mental health illness:
©Annie Dornan Smith.
Purchase Illustrated Affirmation print via anniedornansmithdesign.co.uk
It's World Mental Health Day, and in celebration of a cause that's quite close to my heart I wanted to share something that combines two aspects of my life; illustration and mental health.
Here are some of my favourite illustrators bringing to life how it feels some days to live with a mental health illness:
Gemma Correll
Image by Gemma Correll
Fellow graduate from Norwich University of the Arts, Gemma Correll is a British illustrator, writer and comic artist living and working in California. She creates humorous and accurate depictions of what it's like to live with clinical anxiety and depression, and has even written a book entitled The Worriers Guide to Life documenting her candid and hilarious depictions of overthinking in an anxiety riddled world.
“The illustrations were all inspired by my own anxieties and neuroticisms ... I suffer from clinical anxiety and depression and I find that the best way to deal with it is to find humour in it.
I honestly think that humour can be a saviour at times of distress or, if you just live with a constant level of anxiety and depression like I do. ”
Emily Coxhead
©Emily Coxhead
This notebook is the first thing I ever came across from Emily Coxhead, photographer, illustrator and designer based in Chorley, UK. Her work is a fuel injection of positivity and warmth, particularly her creation The Happy Newspaper which she funded through Kickstarter.
“I wanted to create something that celebrated people, their kindness and recognised the magic in people we walk past and know nothing about, the ‘everyday heroes’. I realised there are so many people going through difficult times, from tiny things to humongous, life-changing things. I thought if I could help in a small way through my letters, scribbled notes and silly little drawings, I could maybe make a few people smile and remind them that things will get better.
The simple idea was: there should be a newspaper that does the opposite of all the current newspapers, one that celebrates what’s good in the world and is cool and colourful to look at.”
María Sanoja
©María Sanoja
Brooklyn based artist María Sanoja was mindlessly walking down a street, over-thinking, when she bumped into this exact a-frame. What happened from that moment on was a project that would reveal the amazing contrast between our everyday surroundings and truly the analogue that runs through our minds.
“I was overthinking, as usual, when I bumped into this blackboard outside a café that I pass by every day. I realized that I’m often so absorbed in my own thoughts that I miss the simple, beautiful things that surround me. My overthinking often keeps me from being present.
For 100 days, I will make an effort to be here and now. I will get out of my own head to see what I have been missing. Each day, I will draw something that I notice around me, and I will pair it with whatever it is that I’m overthinking, in an attempt to be more aware and learn to let go.”
Marissa Betley
Artist Marissa Betley's incredible 1 in 4 project is another 100 day illustrated project to help raise awareness of mental health issues which occur, as the project's name so aptly describes, to 1 in 4 adults in their lifetime. The artist interviewed a range of people with varying disorders that include depression and schizophrenia, describing on her website, "these people are our family members, our friends, our co-workers and our neighbours. Love and support makes all the difference."
“Each story has been unique and I have been incredibly inspired by the constant thread of courageousness and bravery showcased by everyone I have interviewed ... It’s not easy to open up about these things, so I am very grateful to all who have contributed in the name of helping others.
What has been most shocking to me is the more I talk about mental health, it seems everyone can relate to the topic, yet so few are talking about it.
”
Siobhan Gallagher
©Siobhan Gallagher
New York based illustrator and designer Siobhan Gallagher, uses her amazing Instagram account (@siogallagher) to share her illustrations that try to de-myth the 'polished' look of the Instagram life, a world we all think is real but is truly not reality.
“We’re imperfect, scared, anxious and depressed – but we’re willing to share and relate to others ... Some social media accounts are so curated and polished to make it seem like people are living perfect lives with perfectly posed experiences and bodies, and that’s just not interesting ... I’d rather share my interior life through drawing, because those thoughts are more real and relatable.”