Rambling notes on not feeling good enough

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

— Theodore Roosevelt

Lately I've been working myself to a strict set of to-do lists to try and fit in all the work I want to accomplish before starting my maternity leave.

I've been pretty chuffed with how well I've been hitting those targets; completing photoshoots, listing new products, re-working my wholesale catalogue, building a brand new e-commerce site and sorting out lots of niggly little behind the scenes things that essentially I want fixed and sorted before my leave. 

Nothing gives me more satisfaction than marking a little 'x' next to those completed tasks. I feel like a total champion of the to-do list world.  

But there's been a problem. 

It just doesn't feel like I've done them good enough, or even that anybody particularly cares about them. Launching my brand new shop didn't get the excited response I was hoping for; Re-photographing my entire product range hasn't had any effect on my sales or customer engagement; releasing new products hasn't yielded any sales or interest. 

The past week, as I finish my work and switch off my mac at the end of the day, I sit back, and wonder, 'what am I missing?'. I get this exasperated, defeatist sensation roll over me where I just want the universe to tell me why I'm not good enough.

I beg to someone, somewhere, to just give me the answer so I can stop living in this purgatory where I'm running on this treadmill of work ethic to try and get something back, something tangible, other than the occasional double tap or spammy account telling me how to get more followers.  

It sounds so whingey to sit here typing this. Trust me when I tell you that I'm trying really hard not to delete this whole section. But, honestly, there are times in self-employment when you're surrounded by the constant drip feed of others accolades, that you wonder why you just didn't go and find any old job.

Why put yourself through this constant misery of self-loathing and heartache, with no financial gain, or financial security?  

I poured my heart, soul and energy into all of these projects. I researched design trends, popular products and raked through surveys that I've had my own customers complete. I'm doing everything all the freelance blogs tell you to do; I've read all the books on marketing; I've even started to target my posts to be shared at times of the day when people are actually online. Which is more boring than admirable I'm sure. 

But there seems to me to be no bite. 

Maybe my work just isn't engaging anymore.

Maybe I'm just not good enough to do this anymore. 

Maybe I'm mining for my gold in all the wrong places.

Maybe I'm being a whiny little grunt about the whole thing. 

And maybe these are things that will take a bit more time to gain traction in the online sales world, and that I need to put my patient hat on and accept the lot I am given. 

I know how many sparkly emoji's I put out there on my social media, promoting positivity and upbeat posts about my work. But I'm writing this today to show you that I'm working hard on the facade I've created because I don't want any of you to know that I'm a fraud - it's not all sparkly emoji's behind the scenes. There's actually a lot of self-doubt, rumination, worry, panic and fear.

I'm struggling to make ends meet.

I'm battling feelings of being a failure and a let down because the clock is almost at 0 and what I had hoped to achieve, I haven't, and I feel like that's letting my daughter down. 

And there really isn't a good enough emoji to express all these feelings. 

Except maybe crying tear emoji, but that just feels too banal. 

If this is just TMI for you and you're wondering why this mad woman is baring her soul, and financial status, for the world to read, then I'm sorry you've had to sit and read through this. There is no follow up post (currently planned) to share my Rocky-esque rise to glory, against the odds. The odds are currently here, and I don't have a crystal ball to know when or how it will all get better.

But I've read enough Rocky-esque rise-to-glory styled books to know that this is all just my journey. I'm hoping that the winds of change will soon blow in my direction, that my scepticism will be proven wrong and that there may be a few days when the feeling of not being good enough will fade enough to give me the courage to keep on the journey I've chosen. 

And if you're still hanging around after this post, to join me on it too and feel the courage to share your truth as well. 

Let's keep going guys xo

Freelancing and Depression

There's a lot about freelancing which just shouldn't make sense to help depression. In fact, a lot of the elements that make up working from home, or for yourself, can be strong contributors to depression and anxiety; lack of human contact, unusual work hours and the ever ebb and flow of money have certainly been things that have contributed to my own depression. 

There is however this unique and hidden gift lying under the crying snotty panic and fear riddled mess you seem to become when you have depression, and that is that freelancing can be your saviour. 

I'm not trying to sell the notion that it will cure depression and anxiety, trust me, there is no sure fire cure. The cure is unfortunately inside yourself. However, from my experience freelancing has given me the rare opportunity to dust myself off and begin the ascent back to a world where you don't lose your shit over not cooking a risotto correctly (This has actually happened. I'll talk about that some other time.) 

So I present to you the top 6 elements of working for yourself that can help you in your depression:

 You can work to your schedule

Whether that is an emotional schedule, physical schedule, or an actual work load that needs to be handled, you have the flexibility to fit everything in to your day the way you want. The 9-5 grind is merciless and unforgiving to your sudden feelings of hopelessness that could crop up mid-meeting or even on an idle visit to the photocopier.

When you work from home you can work to the beat of your own drum, even if that drum is beating a little erratic one day and slow the next. 

 Flexibility for those all important appointments 

Let's face it, like any illness you need to get medical help if you want to make some sort of recovery. The mind is the same. I have CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it's an absolute godsend. I love having someplace to go, once a week, where I feel I'm making a positive impact on my mental illness.

The time and day I go for my sessions would be a nightmare to arrange in an office job. And think of all that sick leave ... possibly no sick pay ... No thank you. Even if I'm not functioning even 80% of the time at work, at least I am able to make it into my home studio around my appointments and know that no other time was needed to be taken off. 

Cry ugly, freely - and then pick yourself up

I probably spent around 70-90% of my time crying when my depression was at it's worst. 50% of that time was bent over my keyboard sorting my emails which were getting backlogged. But that is totally ok.

There was no Janet from HR pulling me out to try and motivate me to pull it together so I could carry on with my day, or risk of causing a scene in front of my colleagues. I could cry and cry at my desk, and when I was all spent with crying I could carry on with what I was doing without anyone else passing judgement on it. 

No crazy boss or superior-other hanging over you

It's hard at the best of times to get work done when you have someone breathing down your neck, but when your depression is making you function less than productive, and you work for a big corporation, that can be an issue.

Now I'm guilty of not adhering to this advice because part of my present problem is that my perfectionism makes me my own cruel and unforgiving boss, however if you are a freelancer who loves the freedom from being your own boss then relish in this fact.

The only deadlines and targets are your own, and you make your workload as heavy or light as you need it. You don't have a quota to reach for someone else's profit, you can just work to your own values and goals without destroying your mental wellbeing. 

No clean laundry? Not washed your hair in weeks? You're golden

Everyone always goes to the standard stereotype of a freelancer being someone who gets to work in their pyjamas all day, and frankly I resent it because I loathe working in my pyjamas. I always endeavour to get dressed like I'm going out to work because it puts me in a good headspace.

But when your headspace is pretty foggy and full of negative thoughts and feelings it can be a comfort to know that life can still go on from your desk, even if you're not dressed for it. And even if you have to have an anxiety induced Skype call with a client you can be rest assured that you only need to be dressed for an hour and then normal service can resume.  

Remind yourself: You're living the dream

When you're having the darkest days, remember that you are working a job that (hopefully) brings you joy and is your passion. I have days when I doubt what I doing, the career I've chosen and what it all means. I doubt the choices I'm making, and berate myself for bad ones. But the one thing that lifts the dark clouds is a gentle reminder of the jobs I left behind, the ones that didn't bring me creativity, joy or diversity, and that now I'm not living that life. I'm living a life where I get to draw everyday. And that's something pretty special right? 

Remember though, if you do work in an office or salaried environment you do have rights regarding your mental health, including the right to not work in an environment where there is stigma attached to mental health. 

Make sure you don't suffer in silence. Have at least 3 people who know the ins and outs of what's going on so you don't feel the need to carry the heavy burden alone, if you're working in an office or from home. See them as your lifelines and trust them with your personal information. It makes all the difference between isolation and recovery. 

And if you are suffering from any of the topics covered above, or know someone who is, there is plenty of support out there. Organisations like Mind and The Blurt Foundation  have tons of information on their websites to help guide you in perhaps finding treatment or for helping a loved one. 

Sending out all the good vibes (even to myself),

Deborah x